Study Finds Middle-Aged Men Actually Believe Hawaiian Shirts Hide Their Bulging Bellies

All of us remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.  It was a devastating blow.  This was despite our suspecting as much for some time.  I suffered a similar blow yesterday.  My wife patted me on the stomach, over my beautiful Hawaiian shirt, and told me POINT BLANK, “Your stomach’s sticking out.”  Suddenly, my space-time continuum began spinning.  My belief that my size large Hawaiian shirt cloaked my torso, thus rendering my belly invisible, vanished in an instant.  I was speechless.  (Which, for those who know me, is inconceivable.)  Of course, my wife loves me, so you may assume she said this in a sensitive and nonjudgmental manner.  Your assumption would be wrong.  She absolutely said it in a judgmental manner!

Now, because I mentioned Santa, I must momentarily deviate from my topic to share something I heard awhile back.  Get ready to take notes, “This is gold, Jerry.  Gold!”  Here it is:

There are three stages in life.  First, you believe in Santa.  Second, you do not believe in Santa.  And, third, you ARE Santa.

I love this, and I never get tired of repeating it..

Now, as amusing as that Santa comment may be, it doesn’t do anything for my belly. So back to the protruding subject at hand –

My wife further gently offered me a piece of loving advice: “You’re going to have to starve yourself.”

As a result, I am now forced to accept that my Hawaiian shirts do not possess the power I had once believed.  On-the-other-hand, this awakening came with some relief.  Like Adam and Eve eating the apple, I was no longer living in ignorance. 

We all see the guy with the comb-over and ask ourselves, “Does he really think he’s fooling anyone, and people don’t know he’s bald.”  And we all know that “full-figured” women like to wear clothes with vertical stripes because they create a slimmer image.  I was finally free to embrace MY reality.

I took my beautiful wife’s constructive comments to heart, and I took IMMEDIATE action –

According to Amazon Prime, my new EXTRA-large Hawaiian shirts arrive tomorrow.

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