If Facemasks Don’t Pass the “Fart Test,” Why Are We Wearing them?

My daughter gave me a beautiful Reyn Spooner mask for Fathers’ Day.  Yes, as disturbing as it is, you can now buy a designer facemask.  I’ve been a collector of Reyn Spooner Hawaiian shirts for years, and she knew I would love one of their new facemasks.  And she was right!  (Thank you, Zoe!)  It didn’t surprise me that Reyn Spooner was now making facemasks, I imagine many clothes designers are jumping on the bandwagon.

What does surprise me is that we bother to wear them in the first place.

Remember when the Surgeon General emphatically announced that wearing facemasks might do more harm than good?  He said studies proved this.  He said that when people wear facemasks they tended to constantly touch their faces adjusting them.  And America’s Sweetheart, Dr. Fauci, backed him up?

Now, five seconds later, Dr. Fauci is marching around with a facemask telling us that we’re all going to kill grandma if we don’t wear one AT ALL TIMES  ̶  even when we’re alone on the toilet.

Sounds like good science to me.

I wear a mask when I’m in a store.  Mainly because I don’t want to freak anyone out, AND, more importantly, so I don’t have some psycho attack me.

One reason I remain skeptical is that my brother recently told me about the “Fart Test.”  In truth, it should be called a “Fart Declaration.”  Here it is:  “If someone farts, and that fart travels past their cheeks, through a layer of cotton underwear, then through a thick layer of denim jeans, and everybody in the room smells it within moments, how in the world is a thin cotton mask going to do anything?” 

Point.  Set.  Match. 

So, I wear a mask to be polite.  ESPECIALLY, if it’s a beautiful Reyn Spooner mask. 

But this got me thinking.  I’ve seen a lot of masks for sale, but I haven’t seen one yet that meets the needs of a  very special percentage of the population.  I am speaking, of course, of those folks who wear their masks UNDER their noses.  Yes, those geniuses.

CRITICAL WARNING: Do NOT steal my brilliant idea!  I’m going to license my new invention to Reyn Spooner and get them into production ASAP. 

Here is a prototype  ̶ 

I also have an idea to market them.  You know those guys who don’t park between the lines?  (I ranted about them a few months ago.)  Well, we send sales agents into parking lots to find these guys and sell them a “nose free” mask.  I am certain these are the same people. 

I’m also going to send one to Dr. Fauci.  If history is any lesson, it’s a coin toss on whether he decides to wear one himself.