The Greatest Vomit Story Ever Told!

Official Disclaimer: Not the ACTUAL Fish that Swallowed Jonah

WARNING: I am not a certified Bible Historian.  But I DO know my way around a stone tablet.  In fact, one of my claims to fame is that I read the entire Idiot’s Guide to the Bible.  (Seriously, I have).  When I mentioned this to my minister, he got one of those sour looks on this face like he just ate a rotten peanut M&M.  It was clearly not on his seminary’s required reading list.    

Fortunately for you, my loyal readers, I have never let my ignorance on a topic stop me from offering my expert opinion, and I certainly have no intention of doing so now. 

My church is doing a sermon series on the Book of Jonah.  For the purposes of this column, I will refer to the name of my church as “Grace,” because its real name is Grace Community Fellowship, located at 989 Country Club Road in Eugene, Oregon, 97401.

There are two things I love about the Book of Jonah –

First, it’s not a book.  It’s about the length of a People Magazine article on the benefits of Botox.  The only thing shorter in the Bible than the Book of Jonah is the disclaimer on the inside cover that warns eager readers not to attempt to part the Red Sea at home. 

Second, it contains one the greatest verses in the entire Bible.  Here it is:

“And the Lord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.”

I’m quoting the King James version so I can throw in the “spake unto” part.  That’s what we call “icing on the (vomit) cake.”

I don’t want to spoil it for you, in case you attend a church that is sinfully NOT currently studying Jonah.  Suffice it to say, however, that after three days in that fish, Jonah couldn’t have been happier to get vomited.  In fact, getting vomited was probably one of the best days of his life.  He probably remembered it fondly.  Perhaps even called it “V-Day.”

Picture it –

Jonah’s grandson, sitting at his grandfather’s knee, “Grandpa, tell me a story from when you were young.” 

Grandpa Jonah, “Have you eaten dinner yet, kid?  Maybe we should wait.”

So, that’s my Bible lesson for today.  In my expert opinion, the vomit verse is perhaps the most vivid (and certainly the most fun) verse in the entire Bible.  And I should know.  Remember, I’ve read the entire Idiot’s Guide to the Bible.

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