I Superglued Myself, And After Considering the Experience, I Can’t Recommend It

I superglued myself.  I’m not exactly sure it was Super Glue.  It could have been Gorilla Glue.  Or “Krazy Glue.”  We’ve got a closet full of them.    

The reason I superglued myself is because, as my loyal readers know, I am a very sensitive guy.  I am a “put the toilet seat back down” kind of guy.  A “take the garbage out only the third time I’m asked” kind of guy.  The kind of guy that doesn’t leave his clothes lying all over the bedroom floor – I politely pile them into a large heap at the foot of the bed.  Yes, I am that sensitive. 

Anyway, I woke up very sensitively, and went downstairs to feed my boss, Oliver the Cat, and make coffee – in that order.  (Oliver doesn’t tolerate insubordination.)

When I walked into the kitchen, on the counter sat one of my wife’s precious Christmas decorations broken into two pieces.  This really hit me hard – emotionally speaking – because my wife only has a limited number of decorations.  Albeit, that number is 1,355.  In fact (this is true), it takes 33 large boxes to store my wife’s limited number of decorations.  Each is very precious to her in its own special (did I say precious?) way. 

The victim was a small, plastic Christmas tree.  Here it is in its full glory –

Like a firefighter racing for the pole, I jumped into action.  I grabbed the sandwich bag full of super glues and went to work.  Yes, I did give passing thought to using plastic gloves.  However, that would have taken an extra 30 seconds, and I was on a mission. 

After EXPERTLY gluing the two halves together, I realized that I had also EXPERTLY glued my fingertips together.  My left index finger was now permanent affixed to my left thumb.

This is when my supergluing experience kicked in.  Like a jet pilot making a split-second decision after years of running emergency drills, I snapped into action.  I knew the longer I allowed the glue to hold my fingers together the stronger the adhesive would “set.”  So, with Herculean effort, I managed to pull them apart.  (Yes, I was very scared.)  They popped apart.  It actually made a loud POP!  It was such a loud POP that I was more than a little relieved to confirm that my fingers were still attached to their bodily appendages.  

I was so relieved my fingers were now separated that the coating of dried glue on their tips didn’t immediately concern me.  But after trying to wash, peel and then scrape the glue off – with ZERO success, I resigned myself to letting it simply wear off. 

However, when I got to my office and started to type, I learned a critical superglue-related disturbing, yet fun fact.  The coating of glue on the end of my index finger left me unable to feel the keyboard.  It was like the end of my finger had fallen to sleep.  It felt completely numb.

This is when I realized the full irony of my situation:

My sensitivity, had left me without any sensitivity.

In short, although I had superglued myself, I didn’t feel so super (glued).

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