CNN ̶ “Your first source for bovine news” ̶ reports that milk cows are buzzing over the skies of Switzerland thicker than flies over an open latrine. Okay, MAYBE I’m exaggerating, but apparently Swiss dairy farmers routinely airlift about 1,000 cows down from summer grazing pastures each year. If a farmer thinks a cow is […]
I see the signs: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!” But I’ve never seen “them.” I’ve never seen all the shirtless guys who are not wearing shoes yet are clamoring for service. They must duck for cover whenever I approach. But they can’t be too shy. Apparently, they’re brazen enough to go waltzing into stores […]
Fighting back tears, reporters from all major networks bravely maintained their composure as the reality hit them that Hurricane Henri would not decimate the east coast. “It felt like a kick to the stomach,” one MSNBC reporter confessed. “One minute we’re on seventh heaven, thinking, WOW, this is it! Our ratings are going to shoot […]
For the record, my wife and I didn’t go to Vegas to drink and gamble, we went to celebrate her friend’s 50th birthday. That said, I did drink and gamble. From the beginning, I was doomed to having a more difficult time slipping back into that coach seat for my return trip. Vegas is like […]
My wife and I got hooked on beachcombing for rocks by our friend, who for the purposes of this column, I will refer to as, “Katy,” because her name is Katy. Katy is to rock collecting as an F-350 Ford pickup is to gasoline – She can’t get enough. Her appetite for rocks is NEVER […]
The decision shocked sports fans. In a surprise move, the Olympic Committee just announced it will terminate the event that spectators most eagerly wait every four years to ridicule – Race Walking. The US media reacted in contradicting fashion. The New York Times published the photograph above to document the dignity and grace of this […]
The last thing I want to do is decimate the entire DYI home improvement industry. So, I feel compelled to clarify the title of this column. It should read, “Do not self-install laminate flooring UNLESS you a licensed professional contractor with decades of experience specializing in installing laminate flooring.” There, I feel better now. Unfortunately, […]
BREAKING NEWS — Washington DC: The Administration is now considering sweeping new regulations limiting the number of toilet paper squares allowed per bathroom visit. This is the next phase of the Administration’s aggressive effort to combat climate change. The square limit has not yet been determined. Anonymous sources close to the administration have disclosed that […]
Things are finally opening up! We can resume our lives! We can stroll through shops. We can host cocktail parties. And, most refreshingly, we can flee from all the “pandemic puppies” who’ve been raised in isolation. Puppies who have developed all the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer. I don’t know much about training puppies. What […]
As a “survivor” of multiple colonoscopies, I feel qualified to chime in on the new Anal Covid Swab Test that is supposed to be more accurate than the far less exciting nasal swab test. Yeah, I know we’re supposed to reserve the term “survivor” to use in “cancer survivor,” “military battle survivor,” and the hit […]