CNN  ̶  “Your first source for bovine news”  ̶  reports that milk cows are buzzing over the skies of Switzerland thicker than flies over an open latrine. 

Okay, MAYBE I’m exaggerating, but apparently Swiss dairy farmers routinely airlift about 1,000 cows down from summer grazing pastures each year.  If a farmer thinks a cow is too sick, injured or pregnant to navigate the walk down the mountain, they arrange first class airfare. (Seriously, Google it!)

I am appalled by this for two reasons:

First, I don’t buy that all these cows are disabled.  Half the people I see pulling into handicap parking spaces practically hop out of their car and skip into the Dollar Store.  If humans have a 50% fake rate, why would the bovine rate be any better?  Do cows possess a greater sense of self-worth and dignity than humans?  Of course, they do!  We’re pathetic!  But that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of lackadaisical, good-for-nothing cows.

Second, I’m concerned about safety.  I watched the CNN video of these cows being hitched up and sent shooting off into the heavens, and I didn’t see a single TSA agent screaming at it to take off its shoes OR remove its laptop from its briefcase.  The situation appeared to be ENTIRELY devoid of ANY preflight security screening.  For all we know, Al-Qaeda cows have already penetrated the Swiss dairy system.  Run the numbers, people!  At 1000 cows a year, if only ½ a percent of these “so-called” distressed milk cows are terrorists, that’s five improvised exploding cows per year.  And will these cows remain in Switzerland?  Who knows?  One could end up living RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!  Now, I have gotten your attention?

It’s high time that international authorities put a stop to this madness.  This luxurious first-class airfare for bovines must end. 

Or, heck, at least make them fly coach.