I’m Afraid This 10 Pounds I Just Put On In Vegas, Isn’t Staying In Vegas

For the record, my wife and I didn’t go to Vegas to drink and gamble, we went to celebrate her friend’s 50th birthday.  That said, I did drink and gamble. 

From the beginning, I was doomed to having a more difficult time slipping back into that coach seat for my return trip.  Vegas is like a cruise ship.  Food is EVERYWHERE!  Vegas should just get it over with and change its name to the S.S. Las Vegas.

The actual birthday event, and I kid you not, was held at an ALL YOU CAN EAT restaurant.  Not at an “All you CARE to eat” restaurant; those restaurants are located in Santa Monica.  Toward the end of the meal, I was surrounded by a sea of people groaning in pain, and this was BEFORE it was time for cake.  The birthday cake turned out to be a mountain of cupcakes just slightly taller than Mount Everest.  And the frosting on each one was taller than the cake itself.  I wasn’t hungry by that point, but I was facing an awkward social dilemma.  I was raised to always politely accept a host’s dessert, even if only a very small serving.  So, I had eight of them.  Okay, I just had one.  (One too many!)

Yet another challenge awaited me at the Paris Casino sports bar.  I took a seat at the bar to donate money to a charitable organization called, “Feed America’s Casino Moguls.”  And what do I find sitting smackdab four feet in front of me?  A pina colada machine the size of a city bus.  It just sat there churning the creamy confection.  Look folks, I’m only mortal. 

I had three of them. 

Okay, I just had one.  It turns out that the recipe for pina coladas at the Paris Casino is a complex mixture of exotic ingredients.  Because I have a discerning palate, I’ll take a guess at the ingredient list: ten parts sugar to ten parts rum.  One sip would kill a hummingbird, or at least put him in the hospital.

As my loyal readers know, I have a staunch policy to blame others for my mistakes.  In this case, I’m going to blame Covid for my weight gain.  Here’s why –

During this visit, the mask mandate was in full force in Vegas.  If you are not “actively eating or drinking,” somebody’s carping at you to pull your mask up. 

Needless to say, I don’t like wearing a mask.  So, as a result, and per Dr. Fauci’s recommendations, I kept eating.  And eating.  And eating. 

Let’s put it this way.  My weight gain happened in Vegas, but sadly, it didn’t stay in Vegas.

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