How to Make Sure You Get Full Social Acknowledgement for Your Acts of Charity

When it comes to volunteering for important acts of charity, just remember one thing.  It’s not important who gets the credit, as long as I get some of the credit.  And when it comes to helping meet the financial needs of those who are struggling, it isn’t important who steps forward to meet those needs, as long as it isn’t me.

Settle down, folks!  Don’t get your panties in a bunch.  I’m just kidding! 

Nothing makes me feel more satisfied than when I come across some poor soul who is in desperate need of assistance, and somebody else meets that need.

Just kidding again!

In fact, about this time of year, I find myself breaking my rule against giving money to panhandlers.  Their lives have been ravaged by drugs and alcohol.  Their only hope is that they will be able find a path to sobriety and begin to put their lives back in order.  But it’s the holidays.  It’s freezing out there.  I figure they could use a drink.

Now, I’m about to breach a very sensitive subject.  So, if you are in any way sensitive – if you cried at the end of Frozen ­– if you make it a habit to send get well cards to people who aren’t even in the hospital, stop reading this IMMEDIATELY.

You know those Salvation Army bell ringers stationed at every retail business in the continental United States and the Territory of Guam?  They need to follow my advice.  If they do, their donations (or “take,” so to speak) will increase three-fold.

Here it is –

Please, please, please stop ringing those bells like you’re trying to shake a crawdad off the end of your finger.  Are you getting paid by the ring?  Chillax! Slow your roll!  Do this –

Give the bell a little ring.  Pause a few beats, and then give it another gentle ring.  Right now, it sounds like you’re trying to call your cattle back down from the mountains.  I’ve seriously been thinking of taking ear plugs the next time I go shopping.  I’m really hoping the Salvation Army somehow hears my message, and in their great wisdom, actually implements my new, improved bell-ringing policy.  If they do, I hope that they’ll remember that it’s not important who gets the credit, as long as I get some of the credit.

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