Like most Americans, you’ve probably been asking yourself this question: “Isn’t it time I vacation in Ukraine?” If so, you can’t afford to delay. I am warning you about this because I was recently informed (this is EXTREMELY TRUE) that the name of the Ukrainian national anthem is (again, I swear this is true – […]
There are times when we must admit we’ve failed. For me, one of those times is now. I have failed. I need to admit it. I’m sure you’ve already guessed my great defeat, but I’ll say it anyway. – My recent campaign to promote chain smoking has failed. In fact, I’m not aware of a […]
Nothing says modern medicine like listening to someone on the other side of a shared hospital room take a dump. Shared hospital room? Two patients to a room? Really? Is it 1953 and no one told me? The only thing better than listening to the doctor tell you about your ailment, is enjoying the intimate […]
I am a vocal advocate for pedestrian rights. I especially support strong pedestrian rights laws. Of course, this is only when I’m walking. When I’m driving, people who make me stomp on my brakes as they exercise their “rights” irritate me a little. And by “irritate me a little,” I mean I’d like to run […]
Cats come in many varieties. Among them are Persian cats, Munchkin cats, and Siamese cats. I have a rare breed of cat. It’s called an Alarm cat. My Alarm cat goes off at 5:30 a.m. And by “goes off,” I mean begins meowing quietly just outside our bedroom door every three seconds. He then gradually […]
I’m not saying that parking outside the lines should be a crime. That would be crazy. I’m just saying that, at a minimum, we should eat these people. After all, it costs over $40,000 a year to incarcerate someone. If you’re a “softy,” and eating these people seems too extreme, there are other cost effective […]
I recently returned from a family vacation to Hawaii, otherwise known as “the scene of the crime.” Let me state this emphatically: It was not my original intent to kill my family. However, and this is a VERY important point, I did not ACTUALLY kill them. I just ALMOST killed them. I used the AllTrails […]
Medical professionals agree that if you want to be healthy, you need to do three things. First, eat right. Second, exercise. And third, chain smoke. Doctors recommend a bare minimum of two packs a day. If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong. It’s based on scientific research. Doctors have known about the benefits […]
An existential threat looms in our near future. The media relentlessly reminds us of it, and whether you wake up worrying about it each day, or turn a blind eye, we have an out-of-control freight train headed directly our way. You know what I’m talking about, but I’ll say it – We have a Banana […]
Another Oregon Willamette Valley hay fever season has passed. And I have finally emerged from my HEPA air-filtered bunker in a low crouch and squinted up into the sunlight. Over the past three months, as I sat in air-conditioned darkness, I had several thoughts I’d like to share. Here are the facts. Ninety-nine percent of […]