How You Can Help Save the Giant Panda

If there is one thing I know, it’s how to gain a disturbing amount of weight over a remarkably short period of time.  I don’t want to brag, but I once outgrew a pair of Wrangler jeans in under two weeks.  How does this help save the giant panda, you ask?  Keep reading.

I am not claiming to be a certified expert on the giant panda.  However, I did watch the entire Sixty Minutes story last Sunday.  I even paused the show when I went to use the can.  That is how committed I am to the plight of this majestic (though largely useless) animal. 

The giant panda is the official animal of China.  Say what you will about China’s human rights abuses – the imprisonment of dissidents, the repression of religious liberty, the forced harvesting of human organs – just remember one thing: These abuses are against their people, NOT their pandas.  FACT: China has never, NOT ONCE, imprisoned a panda for his political views.

According to Sixty Minutes, the wild giant panda population is dropping faster than you can say “China is the world leader in intellectual property theft.” 

Here’s the panda scoop:

Fact #1 – Female pandas can only conceive three days a year.  (Note to self:  Bottle giant panda hormones.  Sell them on the black market as birth control.  Make billions $$$.)

Fact #2 – Pandas must eat bamboo 17 hours a day because each pound of bamboo provides about half a nano-calorie of energy.  Thus, pandas are always too exhausted for any extracurricular activities. 

Fact #1 + Fact #2 = There’s only one new panda born in the wild every 172.3 years.  Just kidding!  The actual scientific number is two baby pandas every 172.3 years. 

The solution – 

The Chinese must talk to the Japanese.  I know they’re still a little sore about Japan concurring China during WW II, and all the torture, beheadings, systematic rape and general mayhem the Japanese imposed on them, but they really need to get over that because, trust me, the Japanese can save the panda.

Chinese Panda Officials need to ask the Japanese to loan them one of their sumo wrestling dietitians.  They need to put these pandas on the sumo diet.  I know a little something about this diet because I accidently ended up on it for several months a while back.  This is the diet that Japanese sumo wrestlers use to gain that extra pound or two to give them a competitive edge. 

The sumo diet is easy to use and extremely effective.  Step one: Wait until late in the evening and settle down to watch an episode of Hawaii Five-O.  Step two: Wash down generous quantities of high carbohydrate snacks with copious amounts of beer.  Step three: Sleep on a belly full of that mixture night after night and let Mother Nature work her magic.

If you truly care about saving the giant panda, here is what you need to do TODAY:  Send a letter to the Chinese Giant Panda Central Authority and ask them to immediately implement the sumo wrestler diet.  I am confident that with your help, in less than two weeks, not a single giant panda will be able to fit into his Wrangler jeans.  And soon after, they’ll have baby pandas coming out the wazoo.


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