Inauguration Day: The Real Winner

By Jack Edwards

The time has come for the world’s most powerful nation to once again demonstrate its tradition of a peaceful transfer of power.  Two mighty forces have stood toe to toe, pounding away with millions of dollars of negative ads, hammering each other with harsh rhetoric, and, at times, actually spitting globules of mucus at one another.  And now, finally, after a year and an half of ceaseless bloodletting, where no holds were barred, where every dirty secret, true or libelous, fanned the flames of the masses, one combatant stands victorious.  The name of this victor, of course, is Twitter.  Yes, Facebook fought long and hard.  It out spent Twitter by tens of millions.  It had the money, the experience and the social cache, but in the end, it could not compete with those 140 little characters.  Ultimately, Twitter was The Little Engine that Could.

Who could have possibly foreseen a Twitter victory?  It came out of nowhere. Be honest, when most of us first heard of it, we thought the idea was crazy.  What practical value could there be in shooting 140 characters into cyberspace?  But, alas, Hollywood stars saved the day.  They began sending important, cutting-edge news snippets to their adoring fans.  Here are a few examples (I promise you that these are REAL – I did not make them up, and I certainly have not edited them.  Who am I to impugn an A-list celebrity’s grammar?):

Paris Hilton: “Just finished an intense pilates session with my trainer.  Feels so good to work out.  Now time for a healthy lunch.”

Miley Cyrus: “im bored.”

Kim Kardashian: “I worked out & had a mani-pedi and its not even 8am! I need a nap!”

I know what you’re thinking: With witty, captivating messages like these, did Facebook ever have a chance?

And now, thanks in part to the assistance of the Hollywood’s elite, Twitter will now take its rightful place as Commander in Chief of our nation’s “apps.”  It will be our “App in Chief.”

In closing, I have some advice.  I must first, however, emphasize that I am not an actual LICENSED financial advisor.  Here it is: Twitter trades on the NASDAQ using the symbol TWTR.  As I write this, it is trading at $16.94 per share.  So if you haven’t done so already, download the app, liquidate all your savings (every last dollar), and BUY TWITTER!  Do it now, and if you’re lucky, you might get the answer to that all-important question:  Precisely what did Paris Hilton have as her “healthy lunch”?