How Bigfoot Can Save Oregon

I grew up in Alsea, Oregon.  My friend Michael McCowan and I spent 27 hours a day wandering around in the woods, and we kept our eyes peeled because we figured there was always a chance we might stumble across a bigfoot.  We weren’t stupid.  We knew there was no guarantee we’d see one.  In fact, if you asked us to give you odds, we’d probably give you a really conservative estimate – something like only 75%.

When the bigfoot documentary was released in 1970, Michael’s parents drove us over the mountain to the Whiteside Theatre in Corvallis for the big event.  We wanted to be first in line.  FINALLY – confirmation of bigfoot’s existence! Such sweet vindication over our many foolish naysayers. 

The movie gave us all the more reason to keep our heads on a swivel when we were in the woods.  Keep in mind that we were always armed with BB guns, but bigfoot looked ginormous in that movie – even though we only got to see him for moment in the very blurry distance. 

Fast forward to present day Oregon.  We have a state capital chock full of politicians with champagne taste and a beer budget.  The Beaver State is broke with a capital B.  Our current slate of political leaders can’t run their own lives let alone an entire state. 

Do you remember that class in the seventh grade where you learn how to manage your household budget?  You’re assigned an imaginary monthly income, and then you have to create a budget within that amount?  Oregon’s political leaders missed school that day.  In fact, if the US government let states print money, Oregon would immediately have its printing presses spinning at top speed.  After three days, you’d need a wheelbarrow of it to buy a glass of water.

In short, things look bleak.

This is where bigfoot can help.

California has Disneyland pouring millions of dollars into the state’s coffers.

Tennessee’s Dollywood adds millions to the Volunteer State’s tax base.

And, of course, Louisiana has Gator World which creates tens of dollars in tax revenue.  Just kidding, Gator World!  Last year alone, Gator World was responsible for generating HUNDREDS of dollars in tax revenue.  Just kidding again!  Really! When I go to bed tonight, please don’t let me find an alligator fluffing my pillow.

This is why Oregon needs Bigfoot World!  A comprehensive bigfoot bonanza –

Bigfoot Rollercoaster

Bigfoot Lazy River

Bigfoot Hotel and Casino

Bigfoot elephant ears (We’ll call them Bigfoot ears!)

All we need to do is go take pictures of Disneyland’s most popular attractions and then put the word ‘bigfoot’ in front of everything.

And I have just the location to make Bigfoot World a HUGE success.

Alsea!

Why Alsea, you ask?  Because when tourists come to visit, there is, conservatively speaking, a 75% chance they’ll see a real bigfoot!

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