Brace for Impact – The First Annual Edwards Family Year-end Letter

I always enjoy reading “Year-end Letters” from families updating us on their activities during the prior year.  I especially enjoy their humble nature.  For example, here are a few excerpts from a letter I received last year:

“Guess who just got accepted into Harvard?  As if any of us doubted he’d get in!” 

“Jim got an enormous raise!  ‘Somebody’s’ shopping for a new Escalade!  Ha ha!” 

“Who says air travel sucks?  Our family flew to Monaco last August in first class ‘pods.’  We arrived fresh as daisies!” 

Well, I’ve decided to get in on the act.  So, without further ado, I present the inaugural Edwards Family Year-end Letter –

The Edwards Family Year-end Letter

We have MUCH to be thankful for this year!  

Where to even begin?

We celebrated a VERY thankful Thanksgiving.  Timmy was released early for good behavior, so he was able to join us for the first time in three years!  (Those of you who were able to attend his trial know he was railroaded.  Everybody but those stupid jurors know eye-witness testimony isn’t reliable!  Plenty of people wear spiked purple hair and have a Mickey Mouse tattoo on their neck.) 

Little Suzie got a lesson about corporate greed this year.  After only five days on the job at McDonald’s, Suzie was shocked to learn about an unreasonably strict rule.  Apparently, buried in the fine print of the McDonald’s employee handbook is a rule that says being late for your shift three days in a row is cause for termination.  But Suzie’s a fighter!  She’s already written an email to Bernie Sanders asking him to do something about this injustice once he’s sworn into office.

The whole family (minus Timmy, of course) had a more exciting summer vacation than we’d planned.  Long story short, we checked into a cozy Motel 6 just off the highway near Seaside.  (Well, it used to be a Motel 6.)  It turned out the place had a catastrophic lice infestation.  Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!  We’ll remember that vacation!

I should also take this opportunity to address the rumor that I had an affair with a stripper named Candy from Newport a few months back.  First of all, her name is Candi, with an “i”, and NO, I did not have an affair.  And even if I did, it would have meant nothing to me.  (Honey, I swear!  It meant nothing to me!)  So, please take anything you hear about me during the coming year with a grain of salt.

That about wraps up the year! 

The entire Edwards family wishes you and yours all the luck we’ve enjoyed as we begin the new year!

(Important Author’s Note:  The real Edwards family does not have a son named Timmy.  We do not have a daughter named Suzie.  And I do not know any strippers named Candi, with or without an “i”!)

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