I’m not saying that parking outside the lines should be a crime. That would be crazy. I’m just saying that, at a minimum, we should eat these people. After all, it costs over $40,000 a year to incarcerate someone.
If you’re a “softy,” and eating these people seems too extreme, there are other cost effective options.
Public shaming.
This is where the judge makes the person wear a sign around his neck exclaiming his sin. It could say something like, “I Park Outside the Lines,” or, perhaps, more appropriately, “I Park Outside the Lines – And I Should be Eaten.”
“The Stocks.”
This option has, historically speaking, always been a crowd pleaser. This is where you lock someone’s head and hands into the holes of one of those wooden contraptions. The guy ends up looking like a target at a state fair carnival. The added benefit is that he’s bent over at a 90 degree angle with his posterior sticking up in the air. Of course, we would put a basket of complimentary eggs nearby.
Caning.
This punishment is all the rage in Singapore. Some of us remember the American kid charged vandalism who got caned. You might remember his mother running around doing a media blitz trying to rally “civilized” countries to persuade the Singaporean (fun word to say out loud) government not to cane the little miscreant. I remember thinking that if I were that kid, I’d tell my mother to clam up and let me take the beating, so I could preserve at least an ounce of dignity. In the end, the kid got the stick (four whacks). If we settled on caning as the punishment for parking outside the lines, then I think we should use a car antenna as the “cane.” Whipping one of these knuckleheads with a car antenna just seems Zen, or maybe I’m thinking of “feng shui.”
But even though I’ve felt obligated to jot off a list of other cost effective alternatives, let’s not completely rule out eating these people. We should definitely keep that option on the table. And by “keep that option on the table,” I mean, keep these idiots ON the table. You’ve seen those roasted pigs with the apple in the mouth? I’m not sure what the flavor profile would be, but hey, everything goes down smoothly with a little ranch dressing.
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