I Have Never Been Upgraded to First Class But I Have Been Upgraded to Toilet Class

There are three rules to getting upgraded to First Class:  1. Get to the gate early.  2. Dress professionally.  And 3. Own the airline.  Okay, I was just kidding about number 3.  You don’t need to own the airline.  You only need to be Chairman of the Board of the airline.

There is nothing sweeter than being upgraded to First Class.  Or, at least, this is what I’m told.  I myself personally have never been upgraded to First Class, although I have been upgrade to Toilet Class.  You might even say that I am a frequent flyer when it comes to flying Toilet Class.

There are two levels of Toilet Class.  The first is the seats directly in front of the toilets that don’t recline.  Thus, you are not able to “stretch out” and luxuriate in that extra 1½ inches of leg room.  While this is not the highest level of Toilet Class, it still allows you to enjoy having a line of people hovering over you with their legs crossed.  The second, or “Top Tier” Toilet Class (unfortunately, not all plane configurations have this) is the seat directly to the side of the toilet.  From my considerable experience, you sit to the right of the lavatory door.  Here is your view –The exception to this being your view is when someone’s butt is your view.

A bonus to the top-tier Toilet Class seat is inhaling a whiff of that chemical smell every time someone exits.

One of the most memorable flights I have ever had was returning from Hawaii a few years ago sitting on the aisle directly across from the toilet.  Now, the fact that I was sitting by the toilet is not what made this flight memorable.  In fact, that just made it another day in the life – It’s almost my assigned seat.  No, what made this trip memorable was that something was wrong with the door latch.  So each of the 1,005 times someone left the toilet and shut the door, within a moment, the door swung back open in my direction.  I literally spent five and a half hours shutting the toilet door.

My main point is this – If a First Class ticket costs four times as much as a coach ticket, shouldn’t a Toilet Class ticket cost four times less?  Trust me when I say this – The “flying experience” of someone seated mid-cabin is notably better than someone who has to shut the toilet door every five seconds.

Jack, you might ask, “What can I do to increase my chances that I will be upgraded to Toilet Class?”  Three things: 1. Arrive at the gate just as they are preparing to secure the cabin door and the gate agent is wearing that frowny face.  2. Sport a faded Hawaiian shirt and dirty cargo pants.  And 3. Be Chairman of the Board of the “I was running too late to comb my hair society.”  Trust me on this folks – The flight attendant will immediately direct you back to your specially assigned seat.


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