Tag Archives: First Class

I Have Never Been Upgraded to First Class But I Have Been Upgraded to Toilet Class

There are three rules to getting upgraded to First Class:  1. Get to the gate early.  2. Dress professionally.  And 3. Own the airline.  Okay, I was just kidding about number 3.  You don’t need to own the airline.  You only need to be Chairman of the Board of the airline.

There is nothing sweeter than being upgraded to First Class.  Or, at least, this is what I’m told.  I myself personally have never been upgraded to First Class, although I have been upgrade to Toilet Class.  You might even say that I am a frequent flyer when it comes to flying Toilet Class.

There are two levels of Toilet Class.  The first is the seats directly in front of the toilets that don’t recline.  Thus, you are not able to “stretch out” and luxuriate in that extra 1½ inches of leg room.  While this is not the highest level of Toilet Class, it still allows you to enjoy having a line of people hovering over you with their legs crossed.  The second, or “Top Tier” Toilet Class (unfortunately, not all plane configurations have this) is the seat directly to the side of the toilet.  From my considerable experience, you sit to the right of the lavatory door.  Here is your view –The exception to this being your view is when someone’s butt is your view.

A bonus to the top-tier Toilet Class seat is inhaling a whiff of that chemical smell every time someone exits.

One of the most memorable flights I have ever had was returning from Hawaii a few years ago sitting on the aisle directly across from the toilet.  Now, the fact that I was sitting by the toilet is not what made this flight memorable.  In fact, that just made it another day in the life – It’s almost my assigned seat.  No, what made this trip memorable was that something was wrong with the door latch.  So each of the 1,005 times someone left the toilet and shut the door, within a moment, the door swung back open in my direction.  I literally spent five and a half hours shutting the toilet door.

My main point is this – If a First Class ticket costs four times as much as a coach ticket, shouldn’t a Toilet Class ticket cost four times less?  Trust me when I say this – The “flying experience” of someone seated mid-cabin is notably better than someone who has to shut the toilet door every five seconds.

Jack, you might ask, “What can I do to increase my chances that I will be upgraded to Toilet Class?”  Three things: 1. Arrive at the gate just as they are preparing to secure the cabin door and the gate agent is wearing that frowny face.  2. Sport a faded Hawaiian shirt and dirty cargo pants.  And 3. Be Chairman of the Board of the “I was running too late to comb my hair society.”  Trust me on this folks – The flight attendant will immediately direct you back to your specially assigned seat.

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Pigs in Flight

Pig FinalBy Jack Edwards

The national media paused briefly from its focus on the seemingly endless nightly unrest and rioting in the Kardashian household to cover another story of equal international importance. This involved a woman who boarded a commercial flight accompanied by her “emotional support” pig. It should come as no surprise that this created quite a stink (Ba-da-bump! I’m here all night folks!)

This story is true. You can read all about it in recent New York Post article written by Natalie O’Neill titled, “Woman Kicked Off flight after pet pig stinks up plane.” According to Ms. O’Neill’s story, passengers reported the pig “pacing around and stinking up the cabin.” The crew asked the woman and her porkly companion to disembark prior to the flight’s departure, which they did.

If you’ve ever wondered what your elected officials in D.C. have been working on during their grueling three-day work weeks, wonder no more. According to the article: “Emotional support animals — including pigs — are allowed on flights, under federal rules drafted in 2012. Monkeys, cats and even miniature horses all qualify as ‘emotional support’ animals.” (Horses, folks. These dingbats were so afraid of some noisy special interest group that they gave the go-ahead to emotional support horses!)

My first question regarding an emotion support pig on a commercial aircraft was probably the same as yours, was he in coach? I can tolerate a being treated equally to a pig in coach, but I have to draw the line at suffering the indignantly of sitting back in coach knowing that a pig is drinking champagne and wiping his hooves with hot towels up in first class.

In a story written by Bill Keveney in USA Today, a passenger reported an additional pertinent fact. The “emotional support” pig was incontinent. Mr. Keveney said that a passenger reported that the woman the pig was emotionally supporting tried to “clean up after the animal” before she got off the plane. I can only interpret the description of “tried” to mean that the pig left a souvenir for everyone to enjoy.

Adam Carolla, a long time chastiser of “support” creatures of all ilk, was quick to tweet out a link to an ABC News story to his half million followers. It contained a picture of a woman hauling a pig over her shoulder as the pig looked toward the photographer with (and I’m no expert here) a dazed look on his face.

I am usually on the same page as Corolla, and was shaking my head at the gall of somebody hauling a pig onto a flight, when I stopped and thought it through. And, frankly, I did a one-eighty. ‘Could it really get any worse?’ I asked myself. I mean the commercial coach flight experience. With or without a pig, does it really matter? I’ve sat next to plenty of people who I would have gladly traded for a moderately incontinent pig. Think about it:

1. A pig is unlikely to have a carry-on and take up overhead bin space.

2. He’s unlikely to start an inane conversation.

3. The average pig’s butt is several sizes down from any number of fellow passengers I’ve had the pleasure of flying with. (Note to the airlines: You know those metal framed units you have sitting next to the boarding gate for people to check if their carry-ons will fit in the overhead bin? Put one next to it with a sign that says, “If your behind won’t slip nicely into this space, buy another ticket.”)

All-in-all, I’ve made up my mind. Emotional support or no emotional support, I’ll take my chances sitting next to a pig.