The Secret to Keeping Your Family’s Mitts Off Your Stuff

My beautiful daughter bought me a Hydro Flask for my birthday.  I was touched by her thoughtfulness – for nearly 24 hours.  Then I realized that she had taken the saying, “When you buy a gift, buy something you’d like to have yourself,” a little too far.  It dawned on me that she had IN FACT bought herself a gift because every time I go looking for it, she has it.  (Okay, okay, I can hear her saying, “Not every time!” And yes, I am exaggerating.  It is only 97% of the time.)

At long last I have found a solution.  I’ve named it, the “Not over my dead body” solution, or NOMDB for short.

NOMDB is simple to use.  Here is an example:

I live in a Eugene, Oregon, or more officially, “The People’s Republic of Eugene.”  To put it mildly, Hillary got 105% of the vote here.  Any time there is a march or rally in Eugene, twice as many people show up than actually live in the city.  You know those pink hats that folks started wearing after the last presidential election?  The ones they refer to by that name that starts with a “P” and is a slang term for a popular part of the female anatomy?  A Eugene City Ordinance requires every household to own at least two.  I’m not saying they’d jail you if they discovered you only had one P**** Hat, but it would at least be a hefty fine.

But I digress.  The NOMDB method involves gauging the political climate in your area and then putting a sticker on the item you don’t want borrowed.  For example, it will be a cold day in H-E-double-toothpicks before my daughter borrows a Hydro Flask with an NRA sticker on it.  Or a Trump sticker.  Here is the rule when choosing your sticker: Would your loved one respond, “Not over my dead body”?  Bingo!

You’d like to try NOMDB but don’t have a sticker handy?  Order it on Amazon.  Here’s one for sale right now–You live in Dallas?  No problem.  Just put one of these in your Amazon “cart”–

If you ladies in Texas really want to keep your man’s mitts off your Hydro Flask, one of these stickers is going to do the trick.  Believe me, he’s not going to want to announce to his buddies at the shooting range that–I’m not saying the use of this technique is without risk.  Walking through downtown Eugene with an NRA or MAGA sticker could be extremely dangerous to you bodily health.  Someone with a COEXIST bumper sticker might become enraged and decide to shove it up your uncomfortable place.  But the world belongs to the bold.  “Speak your truth.”

Meanwhile, my daughter’s birthday is coming up.  I’m thinking of getting her something she’d really like.  Something soft and frilly.  Something a teenage girl has always dreamed of having.  I’m thinking of a cordless nail gun.


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