Jan 252020
 
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Finally, our long national nightmare is almost over.  I am speaking, of course, of being forced to hear Official Cable News impeachment commentators tell us 1,000 times a day that the only beverages allowed on the Senate floor are water and milk.  For the record, I don’t buy that load of FAKE NEWS for a nanosecond.  If you think that there aren’t A MINIMUM of two dozen whisky flasks stashed throughout the Senate chamber, I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona I’d like to sell you.

Whether you think this “historic” snooze-fest is a Galant Effort or a Witch Hunt, hopefully, we can join together to celebrate the new consumer product inadvertently discovered as a result of this impeachment trial.  Many successful consumer goods were discovered by accident.  Rogaine was invented as a heart medication.  Play-Doh was invented as a wall-paper cleaner.  Post-It Notes resulted from a scientist’s failed attempt to create a strong adhesive.  And now, thanks to the steadfast determination to keep the Russians from Stealing our Democracy (Oh, sorry, that was last week) … I meant, To Keep President Trump from Buying the Next Election, we now have one of the strongest sleep aids known to mankind.  One of these godless multinational companies needs to trademark the term, “Impeachment Strength” – and pronto. 

All of sudden, EVERYTHING is impeachment.

I overheard Oliver the Cat yesterday telling a neighborhood stray that he’s thinking about impeaching his political enemy, Milo the Dog.  From the bits and pieces, I could understand, Oliver thinks he has the votes in the House.  But he’s worried about the Senate.  Here he is looking worried (that or hungry – I’m not sure) – 

Meanwhile, I’m worried about one of my senators.  Ron Wyden has been representing Oregon since the Paleozoic Age.  I met him, and he’s a super nice guy.  But he’s got to be at least 110 years old.  These marathon impeachment sessions are brutal.  I can only hope that he’s keeping one of the approved Senate beverages close at hand, and by “approved,” I mean a whisky. 

Hang in there, Ron!

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Jan 192020
 

I’m NOT the only one pondering this critical question.  So is Oliver the Cat.  Here is Oliver doing some serious pondering (shortly before heading off to victimize a helpless bird) –

Whether you think the Democrats or the Republicans have gone off the deep end and are [insert your choice: 1. Evil, 2. Insane, 3. Dumb as a Bunch of Rocks, 4. Commies, 5. Nazis, or, my favorite, 6. Shameless Jacka**es], please pause and take time to laugh at our THIRD branch of government.  Why only laugh at the hijinks of the executive and legislative branches, when you can laugh at all three?

Case in point:

For the first one-million years of our republic, Supreme Court justices have worn plain, standard issue, black robes.  Tasteful, yes, but lacking that special panache.  That ended in 1995. 

That year, then Chief Justice William Rehnquist walked into the courtroom wearing four gold stripes on each of his sleeves.  I stole the photograph above from photographer Mark Wilson and Getty Images.  (If I’m prosecuted for this, I’ll claim some sort of journalist privilege, and as a backup plan – I’ll pray it’s only a misdemeanor.) 

Why did Chief Justice Rehnquist do this?  Where did he get such a notion?  Was it from his research into Western European judicial traditions?  Was it from a desire to inspire litigants as to the sacred role of the judiciary?  Not quite.  According to Adam K. Raymond’s article in the New York Intelligencer, “The embellishments were inspired by the ‘one worn by the Lord Chancellor in a local production of Gilbert and Sullivan’s Iolanthe.’”

So, to be clear, Rehnquist went out to see a local play.  At the play, the head of the most powerful court IN THE WORLD, decided that he liked the cut of the Lord Chancellor’s jib, and the next morning he had his wife sew four gold bars on his sleeves.  The next time you hear the fancy legal term, “judicial discretion,” this is what they’re talking about. 

So, the BIG QUESTION?  Will our current Chief Justice John Roberts don the stripes when he enters the Senate chambers to preside over President Trump’s impeachment?  Is he too a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan?  Sadly, according to Adam Raymond’s article, the answer is, “no.”  But Roberts has surprised us before!  After all, he WAS the swing vote that upheld the constitutionality of Obamacare. 

Absolutely ANYTHING is possible!  For example, if you’re bored enough to watch the impeachment trial, and your mind begins to wander, you might keep yourself focused on the proceedings by speculating, what, if anything, is Roberts wearing under his robe?

So, stay tuned, and enjoy the show!

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Dec 072019
 

I’ll admit it.  The title of this column is just a fantasy of mine.  I do enjoy imagining, however, that somewhere out there, perhaps south of the Mason-Dixon Line, one lonely peach-obsessed farmer discovered mid-impeachment hearings that the entire hubbub had nothing to do with peaches.

Sadly, not only did it have absolutely nothing to do with peaches, it didn’t even have anything to do with farmers – not even UNKRAINIAN farmers! 

The Democrats’ official position is that it is their solemn constitutional duty to remove President Trump from office due to the clear and imminent danger he poses.  And that danger is that he may well wipe the floor with whomever Marxist-sympathizer the Democrats nominate to run against him.

The Republicans’ official position is that, yes, President Trump is a lying carnival barker who wouldn’t know the truth if it snuck up and bit him on his considerable backside.  But he is THEIR lying carnival barker, and they’re going to hang onto him come hell or high water.  Oh, AND the stock market just hit 28,000!

If you are among the one-tenth of 1% of Americans actually watching the impeachment hearings, I visited the Official US Congress website and found a page called, “The Official Impeachment Definition Guide.”  I copied it, and I posted it here for your convenience –

Constitutional Crisis: Even the mere thought that “Russian agent” Donald Trump might win a second term.

Witch Hunt: The quest to find any Trump short-coming, even if Adam Schiff has to pull back the elastic band and peak into Trump’s underpants.  (A task that Schiff seems entirely willing, perhaps even disturbingly eager, to perform.)

Senate Impeachment Trial: The Senate version of kindergarten naptime, except before laying down on their mats, the senate “jurors” remove their dentures.  The verdict is expected to be a nail biter.  Senate Majority Leader McConnell seems pretty wishy-washy on the issue.  It appears he could tilt either way. 

Sleep Aid: [See Senate Impeachment Trial definition above].

Meanwhile, in “flyover country,” the people who are paying for all the Lincoln Town Cars to ushers these very important people around just want to grow their peaches.

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The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

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Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov