You Say Vigilante, I Say Freedom Fighter

Final Donkey

By Jack Edwards

I dream of raising up an army of freedom fighters.  A steely-eyed, formidable force to step to the front line.  No, not to free a foreign people. No, not to rescue the starving masses.  A united, committed group of citizens to enforce a few simple rules upon which  I’m sure we can all agree.

We will target seven “points of idiocy”:

  1. People with handicapped parking permits and no apparent handicap.  One parked at my health club the other day.  I discovered him on a rowing machine cranking away at it like an Olympian.  My army would show our disapproval to these slackers by applying a single strike to their kneecap.  A little something to discourage them and their ilk. Yes, I am fully aware of the irony that they would then be legitimately parking in the handicapped spots.  But at least we’d be making honest disabled people out of them.
  2. People (usually women, but I don’t want to be sexist) who wear “big hair” to the movie theater.  We would make these people (using force if necessary) put on clamshell style helmets.
  3. People who leave their dog’s poop on the sidewalk.  I’m not going to be specific here, because I don’t want to spoil the surprise.  We would “apply” the unsecured doodoo to them in a meaningful manner.  Seizing a “teachable moment.”  Let’s just say they won’t be needing a clamshell style helmet at the theater.
  4. People who refuse to buy their “toddler” a plane ticket and choose to hold the little (or not so little) tyke on their lap.  Again, I can’t be specific, but it involves TSA agent sympathizers and pet crates.
  5. Romantic couples making out in hotel hot tubs.  If I’m not mistaken, hotels are required to install fire suppressant equipment near their pool’s water pumps.  Either a three-inch, high-pressure water jet or application of a chemical flame retardant should do the trick nicely.
  6. Neck tattoos.  The death penalty.
  7. “Bull” style nose rings.  Perhaps it’s because I grew up on a farm, but our society cannot take action on this quickly enough.  Upon capture, these people will be given a choice.  We will: a. Yank it out (one clean motion – look, we’re not monsters), or b. Attach a 48-inch chain, available for anyone feeling the urge to lead them around at will.

Our insignia will be a picture of a jackass in one of those circles with a diagonal line slashed through it.  Our motto will be, “Yes, there is such thing as a stupid question.”  And our cause, a just one.

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