The decision shocked sports fans. In a surprise move, the Olympic Committee just announced it will terminate the event that spectators most eagerly wait every four years to ridicule – Race Walking.
The US media reacted in contradicting fashion. The New York Times published the photograph above to document the dignity and grace of this embattled sport. The evil Fox News took out the long knives. Here is how it began its article announcing the decision:
“If you’ve ever witnessed a person with a full bladder beeline his or her way to a bathroom 50 feet away, you’re familiar with the Olympic sport of race walking.”
This a true quote. I swear I didn’t make it up. Here is proof I didn’t make it up: I’m just not that funny.
No longer will fans sit in rapt attention as they bear witness to dozens of elite competitors from around world, well… walking. But walking VERY FAST!
I know what you’re thinking: Why couldn’t the Olympic Committee just cancel the Trampoline event? It only started in 2000. Race walking has been around since 1932! Think of all the lives we’d save! All those kids watching the Olympic Trampoline event and then running to their backyards to jump on their Walmart trampolines and breaking their necks? It would cut the number of quadriplegics in half!
Of course, everyone is now asking the same question: How will this affect merchandise sales? The jerseys? The jackets? The caps? The combined impact of the Olympic Committee’s decision to retailers around the world will result in the loss of literally DOZENS of sales.
Okay, I’ll stop being such a jerk about this for a moment and speak to you from the heart. I’m an older man. I’ve got a bladder the size of a walnut. Who more than I should appreciate the lightning quick speed of someone who can zip from his hurriedly parked car to a highway rest stop urinal? With every passing year, my race walking has improved dramatically. I might have actually qualified for this event at the next Olympics.
What I’m really trying to say, is that the Olympic Committee’s decision to terminate this event has dashed any hope I had of finally “bringing home the gold.” Well, unless I go ahead and buy that Walmart trampoline.