I think I speak for everyone when I say that the winter Olympics have become rather humdrum. And I also think I speak for everyone when I say the remedy is to return to the fundamentals of good solid entertainment. And by fundamentals, of course, I mean violence. In fact, with the exception of women’s hockey, the winter Olympics is virtually devoid of the type of red meat acts of depravity that audiences have come to expect ever since Fred Flintstone clubbed Barney Rubble over the head with a gigantic brontosaurus femur five million television years ago.
I therefore humbly offer my services to the International Olympic Committee. I won’t even charge them any of the 50 billion it took to stage this year’s games. (FYI, I could have done it for 49).
Figure Skating. All of this skating around and twirling to boring music is putting everyone to sleep. Solution: Put two competitors on the ice at the same time. Make them do their routines simultaneously. Collisions will be unavoidable, and yes, rules will allow skaters to whack each other over the back of the head with a sap as they pass. Let’s just say that the sequins will fly. Don’t think for a moment that there isn’t a powder keg of repressed aggression seething under all that chiffon. Get ready for record breaking viewership.
Ski Jumping. Right now what do we get? Each person slides down the slope, takes off and glides smoothly through the air to a clean landing within three microns of each other. Booooooring. Solution: One word – Blindfolds. Remember the Agony of Defeat guy? Yeah. Now settle down. They’ll figure it out – count in their heads or something so they’ll know when to jump. There won’t be nearly the carnage that you hope for. (If we lose too many of them, we can consider using a net). We’re talking Nielsen gold here. This has the potential of becoming the world’s number one spectator sport.
Curling. Don’t think for a moment that this “sport” couldn’t use a swift kick in the ratings. It’s the Sominex of Olympic events. Well, just stand back and let Jack slap the electromagnetic paddles on it, and shock it back to life (or I should I say – to life). Solution (two steps): One. No more taking turns. Teams would go head to head directly across from each other as they attempt to glide their stones (rocks? Whatever) into the little circle thingy. Two. We replace the brooms with spears. Competitors would be forbidden from poking the other team’s stone with the spears, but they would be allowed, encouraged even, to poke each other. Let’s see how well those laid back Canadians can aim their rock after a little poke in the keister.
So, as you can see, with only a few simple rule modifications, the 2018 winter Olympics can be a ginormous blockbuster. Let’s encourage the International Olympic Committee to take the plunge and make Fred Flintstone proud.
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