If You’re Going To Attack The Capitol, At Least Respect The Institution Enough To Wear Horns

Authorities are investigating the assault on the U.S. Capitol to determine whether it was a coordinated attack.  I have no formal training in crime scene reconstruction or political terrorism investigation.  However, my youngest daughter, Emma, and I have watched several seasons of Project Runway.  So, I am in a position to offer an opinion on the subject.

Here is my conclusion:  These people can’t coordinate their outfits, let alone a raid on the Capitol.

I should also add a warning for the Assistant U.S. Attorneys prosecuting the intruders.  If you put me on your jury for one of these misguided souls, I’m already heavily biased in your favor (i.e., I’m as close to hanging juror as you’re likely to find).  As prosecutors, solely interested in justice, I know you love a biased juror. But hold your horses.  Big… BIG… exception here:  If you put me on the jury for the guy with the horns, be on notice.  I’ve got to let that guy go.  Nothing against you, America or apple pie, but I’ve got to cut him loose purely on style points.  He demonstrated a level of respect for our sacred institution that deserves credit.  I heard a couple of things about this guy through the biased media.  (I can’t remember which biased media.  It doesn’t matter – They’re all biased.)  In any event, apparently, Mr. Horns is 33 years old, and he lives with his mother.  As you can imagine, when I heard this, I was SHOCKED!  (No word yet on whether his bedroom is in the basement.)

On a personal note, I need to mention one thing.  A couple of years ago, my wife and I spent a week touring Washington D.C.  During the trip, we visited the Capitol.  We had to make a reservation.  We had to be on time.  We had to wear clean underwear for the security inspection.  (Okay, I didn’t wear clean underwear.)  My point is this – If anyone had only told me that at the Capitol, a Viking helmet was the equivalent of a Disneyland “FastPass,” I would have slapped one on in an instant.  And, LOVED IT!  Talk about epic selfies! 

So, in closing, with the average, unwashed, mass of intruders – Off with their heads!  But I gotta send the Viking back to his mother.  Lord help the woman (or man) who marries him.

3 thoughts on “If You’re Going To Attack The Capitol, At Least Respect The Institution Enough To Wear Horns

  1. I 100% agree with you! If you’re going to storm the Capitol at least coordinate your outfits you uncultured swines!

    All the best, Michelle (michellesclutterbox.com)

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