Unofficial Yukon Quest Insider’s Guide

Quest (2)

By Jack Edwards

I think I speak for everyone, when I say that there are few things in life I enjoy more than watching people suffer.  This is why I am so excited that the Yukon Quest begins in just nine days.  What is the Yukon Quest?  Think NASCAR, except dog sleds for cars.   Watching people suffer at room temperature is one thing, but watching them suffer in subfreezing conditions?  Well, that’s a whole new level of toe curling, “Thank goodness I’m not that guy,” satisfaction.

The Yukon Quest is a 1,000 mile dog sled race between Whitehorse, Yukon, and the Alaskan city named after screen legend Douglas Fairbanks.  The Yukon Quest’s official motto is: “The Iditarod is for sissies!”  The starting point of the race alternates between the two cities.  The rules require that the last musher to begin the race neatly fold and then tuck the starting banner into his sled.  According to one race official, “Sure the last musher usually gripes about it.  But this saves us a bundle in postage getting ready for next year’s race.”

This year’s “insider tip”:

Be on the lookout for Lance Mackey.  (Lance Mackey is the Peyton Manning of sled dog racing.)  Mackey isn’t signed up this year, yet, but here is an insider rumor.  Mackey has stolen one of Amazon’s prototype drones and hatched a diabolical plan.  He’s going to use his “star power” and golden boy charm to convince race organizers to let him sign up for the race at the last minute.  Then he’s going to attach his GPS sled tracker to the pilfered drone.  After that, it’s off to Honolulu for ten days before zipping back to slip onto the trail again and claim the prize.  If you see Brent Sass, Hugh Neff or Allen Moore gazing up into the sky as their sleds fly along the course, it means that the rumor is out.  They’re looking for Mackey’s drone.

Bonus “insider tip”:

Any of you who are interested in signing up for next year’s race can find the entry requirements on the Yukon Quest official website.  The requirements are: 1. You must be at least 18 years old, 2. You much have completed a 200 and a 300 mile race, and 3. You must sign a sworn statement that you will not attach your GPS transponder to an Amazon drone.

Bonus, bonus “insider tip”:

Rumor has it that next year’s Yukon Quest will be sponsored by Amazon.

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