Following extensive research into 20th Century military tactics, Oliver the Cat has adopted Ronald Reagan’s “Peace through strength” policy. Oliver would like you to know that he is NOT a Republican. He is a card-carrying Libertarian. (Well, if he had pockets, he WOULD be a card-carrying member.) This policy is in keeping with one of Oliver’s favorite sayings – the old adage that, “The best defense is a good set of sharp claws.”
Oliver is adopting this in direct reaction to occasionally having to share his home with his nemesis, Milo the Dog. Oliver is convinced that Milo is looking for the first opportunity to wolf him down like a Taco Bell Chalupa.
Oliver employs a three-step defense –
Step one: When he sees Milo, he immediately “puffs up.” This is that technique that you’re supposed to use when you see a bear. You lift you coat and raise your hands to making yourself look bigger. In Oliver’s case, he shoots his back up into an arch that would make St. Louis jealous. If he does this one more time, we’re going to have to take him to a cat chiropractor.
Step two: He fires a “hiss” louder than an eighteen-wheeler releasing its air brakes. (Seriously, Freightliner would be impressed.)
Step three: He charges at his enemy like a rocket. I’m not sure what Oliver would do if he ever caught Milo, but I’m not interested in finding out. And I’m quite sure that Milo’s “mom” (my daughter) is not.
Poor Milo, on the other hand, is outmatched on every front. Milo is curious about Oliver, but he doesn’t seem to hold any grudges.
Milo only has one true enemy: Skateboarders.
My daughter warned me that Milo “goes nuts” when he sees a skateboarder. Even so, I was completely unprepared for the level of insanity when he spots one. He saw a skateboarder half a block away while I was walking him, and (I am not exaggerating) he almost jerked my arm out of its socket lunging toward him.
It is my fervent hope that one day these two furry knuckleheads we be able to achieve a lasting Détente. In the meantime, (and I cannot stress this enough), it is critical to the safety of all mankind that we keep the launch codes away from Oliver.
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