Six Bipartisan Tips for Winning a Presidential Election

The 2020 presidential election is going to make 2016 look like a 1950’s sock hop.  The debate committee is already searching for a venue to hold a mud wrestling match.  Michael Buffer, of “Let’s get ready to rumble!” fame, has agreed to announce it.  Crazy Jesse Ventura will referee.

Of course, this is only after the primaries.  It will be the Democrats’ turn to field a modest group of 40 or 50 hopefuls.  That’s right.  It’s going to be a tidal wave of egos.  A tsunami of self-entitlement.  One lady in Ohio says her cat is running.  “It’s a swing state,” she (the lady, not the cat) recently told a reporter.  “That’ll give Beatrice a sizeable advantage.  Plus, she’s got one of those flat faces.  People love that.  That’ll make her memorable.”

In the end, it will come down to two people, both clinically insane enough to run for president, “squaring off” toe to toe.  The least I can do is provide a few bipartisan pointers –

  1. Empathy is critical. Show voters that you honor the military.  Those who have fought, endured great hardship and even died.  However, and this is important, draw a hard line on one point.  Use this phrase, “I like people who weren’t captured.”
  2. “Speak your truth.” Voters like politicians who are honest and don’t hold back their real opinions.  Don’t be afraid to describe a large portion of the electorate in memorable terms.  Use a term that will resonate with voters throughout the campaign.  Consider using this term – “deplorable.”  That’ll warm their hearts.
  3. Use your nationally televised debate time carefully. You won’t have time to explain each of your policies.  So, begin with the issue that the public is most concerned about – the size of your [insert word for famous male body part].  Hold your hands out like you’re describing the last fish you caught.
  4. Pay strict attention to your demeanor. Voters want to feel a connection, a sincerity, a warmth.  One technique to achieve this is to scream your speeches.  And this is extremely important, NEVER smile.  Put on your angry face.  (Think: “crabby.”)
  5. Pepper your campaign speeches with references to family values. Voters eat that stuff up.  And this is critical – adamantly deny that you sleep with that porn star that you slept with.
  6. Demonstrate you have the strength, energy and stamina to take on the demanding job of president. Do this, for example, by collapsing in front of the media as you’re walking to your vehicle.  Don’t hold back – go for it.  Drop like a sack of potatoes.

Bonus advice – Listen to the media.  The networks will use their resources to provide you day by day polling to let you know where you stand with the voters.  And if they tell you that you’re way ahead, that there’s no way your opponent can overtake you, relax.  Take a few days off the campaign trail.  Remember, these are trained, objective professionals.  They are the backbone of our democracy.  You can rely on their reporting.

Meanwhile, I have a problem.  I’m a cheapskate, and I don’t like to pay those exorbitant sports arena snack prices.  I’m still deciding how I’m going to sneak my Walmart snacks into the mud wrestling match.

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