Tag Archives: Climate Change

Why You Should Cool Your Bananas

An existential threat looms in our near future.  The media relentlessly reminds us of it, and whether you wake up worrying about it each day, or turn a blind eye, we have an out-of-control freight train headed directly our way.  You know what I’m talking about, but I’ll say it – We have a Banana Crisis. 

Scientists tell us that bananas are being ravaged by an uncontrollable disease called Black Sigatoka.  I know it sounds like a Jamaican reggae band, but it’s the real name of this banana disease – I swear.  (Google it if you don’t believe me.) 

Can we even imagine living in a banana-less world?

The good news is that banana scientists are adamant that we will ALWAYS have bananas – just not the normal kind. 

Four hundred million Earthly people eat 30 BILLION dollars of bananas every year.  Now – THAT’S A LOT OF BANANAS!  But here’s the thing.  Most people eat normal bananas.  Here are normal bananas –

Normal bananas are long, yellow, and extremely delicious.  We grew up eating normal bananas. In fact, normal bananas even costarred in one of our favorite childhood books – Curious George.  There is only one bad thing about these bananas.  They turn brown faster than Joey Chestnut can swallow a hotdog.

BUT banana scientists tell us that there are many other varieties of bananas.  Here is an example –

Many of these unpopular bananas are called “plantains.”  “Plantain,” is the Latin word for “Weird.”  Plantains are strange green bananas.  The main difference in the taste between plantains and normal bananas is that they cost their weight in gold.

Of course, our favorite banana is the Chiquita banana.  Chiquita is Brazilian for “normal.”  We grew up eating normal bananas, and that’s the way God fearing pro-banana Americans want to keep it.Side note:  I started searching for a vintage Chiquita banana advertisement and came across another vintage ad that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with bananas.  However, as your primary source of scientific information, I felt a duty to immediately bring it to your Medical attention.  Here it is –

So if you learn anything from this story about the banana crisis, learn that if you or anyone you care about gets pregnant, start smoking Nico Time brand cigarettes immediately.  Your baby’s life depends on it.

Now back to our regularly scheduled banana crisis –

As I said.  I simply cannot imagine living in a banana-less world.  So, I’m “thinking globally, and acting locally.”  I’m planting a Chiquita Banana tree in my front yard.  If we’re lucky, and Global Warming keeps up its rapid pace, I’ll be up to my armpits in fresh bananas.

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Embracing Climate Change for Fun and Profit

By Jack Edwards

The last time I wrote about “climate change,” which I so primitively referred to as “global warming” (so passé), I failed to anticipate that otherwise peaceful, loving people, many of whom were nurturing mothers whose hands regularly caressed the soft cheeks of their precious newborns, would come after me with steak knives. In their defense, they were not savagely attacking a real human being. All of them could no doubt pass a lie detector test that I was, in fact, a sloped-foreheaded Neanderthal. (They wouldn’t be the first to make this mistake.) But in the spirit of saving my own skin, please discontinue reading this week’s column if you can’t take what we in the humor industry refer to as a “climate change joke.” We “climate jokers” are a small but mighty band of fearless warriors fighting on the cutting edge of the untamed plains of the humor frontier.

I don’t want to brag about my scientific credentials, particularly my credentials in the area of meteorology, but suffice it to say that I watch my share of television. I have a PhD from the Meteorology School of hard knocks. And I’ve come a long way from the Jack Edwards that wrote the column Confessions of a Global Warming Agnostic (http://jocularious.com/?p=128). I’m still a climate change agnostic, but now I’m a climate change agnostic that has decided to develop a “Plan B” in the event that this whole climate change thing is as eminent as that multiple-mansion owning, private jet flying, “carbon credit tree selling” Al Gore claims it is.

Here’s my take on it. The modern American automobile emits practically zero carbon emissions these days compared to years past. And they’re only getting more efficient and less polluting. But the population of the United States is about 350 million, and many of these people are still in middle school, so they can’t drive yet. Whereas India and China for example, are filled with BILLIONS of people who drive three-wheel jalopies that emit, to my eye, the equivalent of a year’s worth of one US car’s carbon emissions simply starting up their contraption. Does this mean we should just surrender our fight against climate change? Does this mean that we should just throw in the towel? Yes! That’s absolutely what we should do! If the world’s climate is, in fact, changing, it’s hopeless.

If getting a “C” in Economics taught me anything, it taught me about supply and demand. And from what I see of melting glaciers and sad looking polar bears clinging to the last remnants of floating sheets of ice, the price of “high ground” is about to shoot through the roof faster than an emperor penguin can say, “Where did that ice shelf with my family just go?” Let’s put it this way, some say “foothills,” I say “future ocean front lots.” The time to invest is now, people.

And in case you think I sound callus, that I’m simply a cold hearted, money grubbing piece of scum, well… that would be hard for me to defend against. But slow down there cowpoke, I also consider my neighbor’s well-being. That is why I support federal legislation requiring that by 2017, all high school graduates are proficient in engineering the design and construction of those houses that sit on tall poles over the tide water. I also support requiring that Physical Education programs include a full unit on the lost art of walking on stilts.

Well, I have to run now. I need to get a nose job and change my name. Based on my prior experience, if only one single loving mother continued reading this column after the first paragraph, right about now, she’s heading to her kitchen for a steak knife.

Confessions of a Global Warming Agnostic

My Icy 1973 Future

True story.

It’s 1973 and I’m sitting in Mr. Scherberhorn’s seventh grade Social Studies class.  He’s rambling on about something, and I’m doing my best to tune him out.  That’s because I’m busy pondering whether I could pull off wearing a pair of plaid bell bottoms.  I wasn’t what you’d call a cool kid.  Bell bottoms would have been a stretch for me, plus, I was broke.  And I had just as much chance convincing my mother to buy me a pair as I did convincing her to buy me a Porsche Carrera.  Then Scherberhorn says something that snaps me to attention.  It snaps every other little spaz to attention as well.  It sat us up in our seats straight as washboards.

“Studies show that the Earth is cooling rapidly,” he says.  “Temperatures are steadily declining, and we are heading into another ice age.  We are moving toward worldwide glaciation.”

Glaciation?  Suddenly I’m picturing myself walking through high school commencement wearing a fur lined jumper.  The Beach Boys were going to need to come up with some new songs.

Eventually, this whole “coming ice age” hysteria passed into media lore.  (This really happened – all you whippersnappers under 50 can pull out your iPhones and Wikipedia it if you don’t believe me.)  In the end, we didn’t move into a new ice age; we moved into something far more frightening – the disco age.

This is why I am a global warming agnostic.  To make matters worse, the “established scientific community” recently did a cagey change-up.  Now, instead of calling it global warming, they’re calling it “climate change.”  Suspicious?  You tell me.  Talk about making every hail storm, drought or hurricane proof of your theory.

Let me be clear, I desperately want to believe in global warming (climate change – whatever).  I want to hang with the cool kids.  I want to snicker and roll my eyes with the others at the Neanderthal on the elevator who has the audacity to question the wisdom of the established scientific community.  In short, I want to be wearing the twenty-first century version of bell bottoms.

But I can’t.  I can’t because Mr. Schermerhorn told me we’d all be living in igloos by now.  And, the little dope that I was, I believed him.  We all did.  It scared the hell out of us.  I have enough personal insecurities as it is.  I don’t need to be the “fool me twice, shame on me” guy.

It doesn’t help my skepticism that we have all these 24/7 news channels that need something to talk about.  And weather always makes a compelling story.  That’s why television stations love to send their pretty blondes to the beach whenever they’re expecting the annual “storm of the century.”  Add a worldwide cataclysmic twist to a story like that and you’re in Neilsen heaven.  Back in the day, we just had old worn-out Walter Cronkite, and when you subtracted commercials, we only gave him 20 minutes a night.  And remember, he and the other two television journalists working then had their hands full playing musical chairs with Richard Nixon.  They didn’t have time to hype the ice age thing.  They simply didn’t have time during their stingy 20 minute allotment to make it hip.

Mr. Schermerhorn, if you’re out there, thank you for that heart-stopping alert back in 1973.  I’m sure you meant well, and I appreciated the warning.

_______

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Also-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov