The hoopla surrounding Miley Cyrus’ artistic performance at the Video Music Awards show is quickly dissipating. Experienced media experts predict her foam finger will stop making headlines in only three to five more years. Unfortunately, I missed the VMA show. A scheduling conflict prevented me from enjoying this year’s program — I had to clean the lint from my dryer. But like Michigan mosquitoes in July, Miley’s spectacle was impossible to ignore as it swamped the mainstream media. I was practically forced to watch it at gun point. Having now seen it, and as a marginally responsible adult, I call on all other marginally responsible adults to step up and assist this wayward young woman. And by this, I mean encouraging her to adopt a child. But not just any child. Justin Bieber. There are five reasons.
First, it would provide both Miley and Justin with much needed media attention. Each has been “acting out” as of late. This may be due to their wallowing in the shadows of less talented musical performers for too long. Living in the shadows with pent up talent is a recipe for disaster. Justin’s adoption could prevent another explosion… of bad taste.
Second, Justin could use positive guidance. According to the tabloid headlines I am forced to march past when I buy my groceries, it appears that the fresh-face tike has gotten irascibly sassy as of late. He could use the solid grounding that someone like Grandpa Billy Ray could provide. They say that the proof of the pudding is in the making, and all you have to do is look at how Miley turned out…. ummm. Okay. So, let me switch to another tired phrase: Second time’s the charm!
Third, being a single mom has done wonders for so many millions of American girls, and there is no reason it wouldn’t have the same character-building effect on Miley. It’s unlikely that she’d have the energy to offend millions of viewers after helping Justin with his homework and overseeing his household chores. In no time at all, we’d be enjoying a performance of “Miley Unplugged.” As a side note, I think I speak for America when I thank MTV for giving us “16 and Pregnant” to help promote the benefits of teenage single parenthood.
Fourth, it is unlikely to require the display of very much nudity. It’s not even likely to require the faux nudity that the 13-year-old producers of this year’s VMA show hoisted upon Miley.
And last, the arrangement would finally allow television producers to make good on creating that semi-retro comedy series they’ve bantered about for years: “Leave it to Bieber.” Oh, the jocularious hijinks those two could present given 30 minutes a week (well, 20 minutes after commercials). We’d all be lapping it up like hogs at the trough.
I’m not saying that Miley shouldn’t first consult with her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, to make sure he was “cool” with being a grandfather. It would be a big change for him, what with all the little league practices and fishing trips. But it would be something that Billy Ray and Miley could enjoy together. It would strengthen their bond.
So there you have it.
Is it too early to set the TiVo for next year’s VMA show? I fear the lint in my dryer is building up again.
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