The NSA announced yesterday it would significantly change the way it spies on the intimate personal details of Americans. This change is expected to save billions of dollars. Traditionally, the agency has used high-tech eavesdropping electronics to sweep through trillions of phone calls, emails and other electronic communications and store the data in enormous “data […]
I have an idea for a television series. It will be next season’s biggest hit, and probably the biggest hit of the next decade. It’s called The Vegan Vampires of Beverly Hills. Let’s face it, everybody wants three things. First, deep down, everybody wants to be a vegan. Being a vegan is cool. It’s post-millennium. […]
The hoopla surrounding Miley Cyrus’ artistic performance at the Video Music Awards show is quickly dissipating. Experienced media experts predict her foam finger will stop making headlines in only three to five more years. Unfortunately, I missed the VMA show. A scheduling conflict prevented me from enjoying this year’s program — I had to clean […]
I offer Exhibit “A.” Proof positive that most people don’t choose their jobs as much as their jobs choose them. Exhibit “A” is a vocation smack atop the ‘Who in the world would chose that job?’ employment pyramid. No, not portable toilet cleaner. No, not North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un’s food taster. It’s a job […]
It’s called the Nike+ Fuelband. It’s a plastic electronic bracelet that wives buy to slap onto their pot-bellied husbands’ wrists to humiliate them into climbing off the couch once a week or so. It’s like one of those little research bands that Marlin Perkin’s had Jim Fowler attach to the legs of rare African birds. […]
True story. It’s 1973 and I’m sitting in Mr. Scherberhorn’s seventh grade Social Studies class. He’s rambling on about something, and I’m doing my best to tune him out. That’s because I’m busy pondering whether I could pull off wearing a pair of plaid bell bottoms. I wasn’t what you’d call a cool kid. Bell […]
I recently had the opportunity to speak to one of my U.S. senators. This big shot friend of mine gave the senator a “donation.” Enough to fill a wheelbarrow, if the wheelbarrow was as big as your house. My friend is an oil guy. He wears a cowboy hat too big for his head (but […]
After careful consideration and deep soul searching, I have decided to quit my job and become a doctor. No, I didn’t say go to medical school, don’t be silly. I’m much too old for that. I’ve just decided to become a doctor, as in start telling people I’m a doctor and begin practicing medicine. I’m […]
If you don’t believe in time travel, and surprisingly, many people don’t, then you haven’t flown commercially in the last thirty years. The next time you’re standing at the ticket counter schlepping around for your picture ID and trying to convince the agent that your check-in luggage doesn’t contain a tomahawk missile, look carefully. That […]
I dare to speak for most sensitive Americans when I say that I care deeply about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But to be completely honest with you, I and my compatriots have absolutely no idea what the fight is about. Sure, we know they each want the same piece of land, but that’s about it. And […]