Tag Archives: Vegan

You Know Who Else was a Vegetarian? Hitler

Famous writers use “literary devices” such as metaphors, similes and foreshadowing.  I use literary devices too, the most common one I use is referred to in professional writing circles as – “a lie.”  But when I incorporate a lie into one of my stories, accuracy is very important to me. 

I will not, however, need to use my “go to” literary device in this column.  This is because the fact that Hitler ate a vegetarian diet, especially during his final, and most insane years, is well-established.  (Google it if you don’t believe me.)

But please note this very important point: I’m not saying that if YOU are a vegetarian, that you are necessarily a maniacal, racist, mass murdering cesspool of pure evil.  I just saying you might be.  No.  No. Just kidding!  You’re probably not half as bad as Hitler.  Just kidding again!  You’re probably a vegetarian for a well-meaning reason.  You want to help save the planet, or live a healthy lifestyle, or because animals are “sentient beings,” or possibly because you love Hitler.  But it’s time to stop with all the finger pointing.

I live in a city that, to say the least, is vegetarian and vegan friendly – the People’s Republic of Eugene.   Tofu is to Eugene what steaks are to Omaha.  I would even say tofu is Eugenians’ lifeblood, but it would have to be “Tof-blood” – the Tofurky of blood. 

Faithful subscribers may recall the two months I spent as a vegan.  I dropped out of the vegan club for the same reason many people quit weird diets – a sudden impulse to begin cataloging and counting their “essential protein and mineral” intake.  I had never given two hoots about how many grams of protein I ate per day on my standard diet of fast-food breakfast sandwiches, candy bars and daily pastas.  Not one thought.  I was too busy devouring anything that got within arm’s reach.  HOWEVER, once I had declared I was a vegan, I suddenly began obsessing of over how many grams of protein my body needed per day to be healthy.  As if substituting a green salad for a Sausage McMuffin placed me in extreme dietary danger.  I finally quit that dangerous vegan diet of vegetables and went back to a safer diet of subway sandwiches and pizza.  (Look – What do you think I am, a daredevil?)

In short, in the midst of my vegan “food journey,” I finally saw the light. 

So, here’s the “take-away” from all this:

You can compare me to an overweight sloth.  You can compare me to vertical beluga whale.  But, at least, you cannot compare me to Hitler.

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My Narcissistic Vegan Disturbance Syndrome

DSM Buns Final

By Jack Edwards

There’s small “c” crazy and then there’s American Psychiatric Association Crazy. In fact, the APA publishes a book called the DSM listing all the official types of crazy, and they assign each one a number. Everything’s listed: Sociopathic, Paranoia, Crazy as a Bedbug – you name it. They’re up to the DSM-V now because they keep changing their minds about what is and isn’t crazy. One minute, for example (just for example – not a real life example) they say that someone who enjoys sprinkling belly button lint on their scrambled eggs is crazy. Then after the APA comes back from their three martini lunch to discuss it further, they decide it’s not crazy – it’s just disgusting.

The reason I mention this is that I’ve been perusing the DSM to find my number. I’m pretty sure I have one. Of course, it’s always possible, however unlikely, that I’m not officially crazy.

Let me explain. Last year I became a vegan for two months. I chronicled my journey in a Jocularious column titled “My Life as a Vegan” –http://jocularious.com/?p=71. Well, I have, as of late, been considering a return to veganism, but not for any traditional reason (if you can use the word “traditional” in describing veganism). Forget reasons like health, sustainability and animal rights. The reason I am considering returning to veganism is that it bothers everyone but other vegans. It drives some people so bonkers that the APA has probably assigned them a number. I can’t describe the pleasure I get out of being the bug in the ointment. A few salacious examples-

#1       Event planner for a board of directors dinner: “Jack, aren’t you a vegan?”

Me: “Yeah, but don’t worry about me. I’ll make do.”

Event planner: “No. No problem at all. I’ll see what I can do.”

Me: “Please, don’t bother yourself.” (Pleasure endorphins releasing in my brain by the millions).

#2       Uncle Herb at Aunt Alice’s holiday gathering: “A vegan? What in the hell is wrong with you boy? Next thing you’ll be chaining yourself to the slaughter shoot at the pork processing factory. Dog-nab-it, that’s what’s wrong with this country!”

#3       Me, sitting down at a restaurant with friends for lunch, inquiring of the waitress: “Does your veggie burger contain any animal products?”

Waitress, masking mild irritation but maintaining a forced smile to salvage a tip: “The burger is made of 100% vegetables.”

Me: “What about the bun?”

Waitress: “Hum, I would have to check. I know the veggie burger is vegetarian.”

Me: “I’m a vegan. I don’t eat any animal products whatsoever. Thanks for checking on the bun.”

So, as you can see, there is immense pleasure in lording one’s vegan status over others. The question is whether the APA has assigned a DSM number to it yet. Perhaps I should send them an email inquiring. Better yet, I’ll send it to them after they’ve had lunch.

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My Short Lived Life as a Vegan

Eat Meat

It all started when my friend, a normal friend, told me he stopped eating meat.  When I say normal friend, I mean normal person, as opposed to a few friends I have who are not normal.  (This should be sufficient explanation for those of you who are normal.  If you are confused or upset by this explanation, I hate to be the one to drop the 411, but you are probably not normal.  I say “probably” to spare your feelings.)  This friend, who I will refer to as “Chris,” because his name is Chris, told me that he had watched this movie called Forks Over Knives, and the movie convinced him to stop eating meat.  So, of course, I couldn’t believe it, and I told him that I couldn’t believe it, and that should have been the end of it.  Only it wasn’t.  Three weeks later, I realized that Forks Over Knives was on Netflix.  The real mystery is how this void in the entertainment universe emerged and swallowed up every other thing which might have caught my fancy.  It doesn’t take much to entertain me (e.g. I occasionally watch CSPAN.  Yeah…I know.), but alas, Forks Over Knives miraculously stood alone.

The movie is a documentary about these two skinny doctors who do a bunch of complicated studies using graphs and statistics, and this is the mind blowing part – even look at historical data.  They conclude with very serious faces that if you don’t become a vegan, you’re going to die immediately.  Possibly by the end of the movie.  I know this sounds crazy, but they’re very convincing, kind of like that guy at the fair who sells the slicer-dicer.  If the slicer-dicer guy used a bunch of graphs.

So anyway, about two thirds of the way through the movie, I say to myself, “Jack, in the unlikely event given your non-vegan ways that you live to see the end of this movie, you’re going to start eating a ‘plant-based diet.’”  See, that’s what they call it, a “plant-based diet.”  But it’s really a vegan diet.  I figure they just changed the name to appeal to more people and not sound like a bunch of crackpots, like when Philip Morris changed its name to Altria.  The long and the short is that I jumped into the deep end of the pool.  If it had parents, or came from something that had parents, it was off the menu.  Even stupid parents, like fish, which I always considered more like vegetables without roots.  Plus anything that was highly processed or contained refined sugar.  Unfortunately, I discovered that if you take all those things literally off the table, what you’ve got left is grass.  Nonetheless I put my head down and marched forward.  The whole time I’m thinking, ‘How am I going to get enough protein?’  According to some random website on my iPhone, I needed 56 grams of protein per day.   Was I supposed to eat tofu every day?  (My iPhone said that too much tofu was toxic).  One of the skinny guys on the show ramble on about how everything has protein in it, even potatoes.  Beans supposedly have a lot of protein.  But I did the math, I was going to have to eat like fifty pounds of beans a day.  I’d be creating enough gas to light a small municipality.  Nonetheless, I struggled forward, week after week.  I even spent a few days in Oklahoma visiting my daughter.  Oklahoma!  That state’s official motto is: “We eat red meat three times a day, and sometimes we even cook it.”  Do you have any idea what it’s like to order a veggie burger in Oklahoma?  I’m one of the few who’s lived to tell about it.  And that’s only because I confessed that I was visiting from a liberal commie part of the country and I would be leaving forthwith.

At week nine, I hit the vegan wall.  I wasn’t hungry, I was exhausted from trying to eat enough protein without swallowing a wheelbarrow of beans and quinoa (pronounced “keen-wa”) every day.  I majored in Language Arts Education in college not nutrition.  I just didn’t have the ganas (or desire, as Edward James Olmos would say).  I was unable to Stand and Deliver.  So I yanked the plug.  I wished the two old skinny guys the best, and went back to my previous diet, the one I now call Knives Over Forks.

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Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov