Tag Archives: Trump

The Joy of a North Korean Pen-pal, Even One You Occasionally Threaten with Annihilation

I recently received a 6” x 9” envelope in the mail  that took six days to arrive.  But, of course, it was sent from a very distance city.  On another continent, you ask?  Not quite.  It was mailed from Salem, Oregon, about 60 miles away.  Sixty miles!  SIX DAYS!  That’s one day for every ten miles.  It would have arrived sooner by mule train.

A few days ago, President Donald Trump wrote a letter to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un.  Here is how he addressed it-

It’s going to take all the internal fortitude I can muster, but I must do one thing.  I must ignore, for the sake and integrity of this week’s topic, Kim Jong Un’s title, “His Excellency.”  Like an AA member staring down the barrel of a shot glass filled with bourbon, I must walk away from it.

This column is about how President Trump addressed this letter.  Every letter, of course, needs an address.  Otherwise, how can the mail carrier deliver it?  As you can see, this address provides the level of specificity which, say, King David, of Old Testament fame, used when he looked up in the general direction of the heavens and called out to God, “Hey, God?!  Do you hear me?!”  (This may not be a completely correct translation of the original Hebrew.)  Trump addressed his letter to, “Pyongyang.”  That’s it.  Just, “Pyongyang.”  No street.  No office address.  (By the way, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo recently visited Kim at his office in North Korea.  Couldn’t The Donald just have called Mike?  Mike probably still has the address in his iPhone Maps app.

I know you’re thinking, “Well, Jack, Trump’s probably going to have someone hand deliver it.”  Uh… “No.”  Have you read this letter?  It starts out quite rosy, but it does include the slightly less than warm and fuzzy sentence – “You talk about your nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.”  Gulp.  Kim killed a college kid who tried to swipe a poster for a souvenir.  Imagine what happens to the person who hands him this little charmer.  Most people like their more sensitive body parts in their current locations.

One piece of advice, Mr. President, Pyongyang is about 7,000 miles from the White House.  So, based on my recent experience, give it at least 700 days to arrive.   Better yet, use a mule train.

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I Completely Agree With You About Donald Trump

An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends:

Let me begin by stating that I have been quietly, but very closely, monitoring your posts about Donald Trump.  I have been reading your heartfelt messages, and I have been clicking on your media links.  Each has served to underscore my belief that we hold the same opinion about Trump.  In particular, I agree with your passionate (yet poignantly insightful) comments about –

  • The “Wall”
  • The Paris Climate Agreement
  • The Iran Nuclear Deal
  • The investigation into Russian Collusion
  • And, of course, who makes the best Taco Bowl

The rational choice on each issue is plain as day.  Unless it was that day last August we had the eclipse, then… well, maybe I should have used the phrase “plain as the nose on your face.”  But I digress.

There will come a day when those who disagree with us will receive a direct and unambiguous message, and that day is November 3, 2020.  On that momentous day, we will sit in our living rooms watching the talking heads announce that justice has indeed prevailed.   Our point will have been made loud and clear.

Thank you for your willingness to, “put yourself out there” and “wear your heart on your sleeve.”  I have admired your fortitude and your courage.  Yours is the backbone and strength our county needs at this critical time in our history.

I look forward to reading your future posts and nodding my head in agreement.  Keep the light of your passion burning.  In fact, I am going to hit “refresh” after I type my final sentence to enjoy your most recent political insights.  I am actually salivating at the thought.  I am almost giddy with anticipation.

Donald Trump: An Unauthorized Biography

By Jack Edwards

My wife and I went on a free vacation to Las Vegas last year.  I’m still not sure who paid for it.  It was either Donald Trump, the Hilton Corporation, or (and this is my best guess) the Las Vegas Mafia.  Anyway, in exchange for suffering through a two hour timeshare pitch, we got a voucher that covered several nights at the Trump International Hotel.  We felt very fancy and entitled walking through its sumptuous lobby.  Here it is-

Trump was still running for the Republican nomination at the time, so we asked everyone who worked there about him.  They said Trump stayed there whenever he was in town, and they really liked him.  Of course, there were a few who didn’t like him.  Those people LOVED him.  I’m not kidding.  But, as I’m sure you would expect, there were exceptions.  There was the occasional employee who neither liked nor loved Trump.  These few people WORSHIPED him.  This made me conclude that:

  1. They really did like him, or
  2. Trump had contracted with the Las Vegas Mafia to hold all their relatives hostage to keep them in line.

And if you doubt my claim that there is a Las Vegas Mafia, I present this photograph as Exhibit #1 –

The only group of people sinister enough to drop a four story M&M store smack in the middle of the Vegas Strip is organized crime.  It’s not enough that they suck your wallet dry on the casino floor, they clean out your kid’s piggy bank too.  At least the kids whose parents are stupid enough to take them to Las Vegas.

My two criticisms of the Trump International, which you may or may not choose to attribute to Donald Trump (although I blame him personally), are:

1.  The elevators weren’t equipped with those key card inserts to ensure that only guests can travel up their floor. (I kid you not, in the evening, they assigned a stocky guy to stand in front of the elevator bank who made us show him our key cards before he’d let us pass.)

And,

2.  More than once, while taking a shower, the water went cold.  That’s a deal breaker.  If the Mafia weren’t paying for my room, I would have lodged a very sternly worded complaint.

Side note: As you know, Las Vegas visitors are required by law to attend a Cirque du Soleil show.  We went to see “O.”  Here’s my review:  Watching people do one amazing high dive after another was incredible… for the first 30 minutes.  Then it’s time to wrap it up and let us get back to the bar, uh, … I mean the casino.

When we got back to the hotel on our final evening, we decide to hit the lounge.  This is where the The Donald, in no uncertain terms, convinced me that he can get Mexico to pay for his wall.  He got me, the biggest cheapskate in the Northern Hemisphere, to pay $500 for this drink-

Okay, not quite $500, but WAY too much.  Embarrassingly too much.  Although it did go down quite smoothly.

So, if you want to get all technical about it, I didn’t actually meet Donald Trump, but I got a pretty good sense of the guy.  And in the end, yes, I have decided that I completely agree with your assessment of him.  You are right.  You are ABSOLUTELY right.