Tag Archives: Smoking humor

Quitters Never Win

There are times when we must admit we’ve failed.  For me, one of those times is now.  I have failed.  I need to admit it.  I’m sure you’ve already guessed my great defeat, but I’ll say it anyway. –

My recent campaign to promote chain smoking has failed.  In fact, I’m not aware of a single, solitary person who has taken so much as a puff as a result of my efforts.  If you don’t recall my campaign, here is the link –

The saddest part is that I feel like I’m letting Vince Lombardi down.  You might be familiar with Vince’s famous quote:

“Winners never quit, and quitters never win.”

This is especially painful because Vince loved a good cigarette.  Here he is sucking on a fresh butt –

Football: Closeup of Green Bay Packers head coach Vince Lombardi smoking cigarette on sidelines during game vs Chicago Bears at City Stadium. Green Bay, WI 9/15/1963 CREDIT: Neil Leifer (Photo by Neil Leifer /Sports Illustrated via Getty Images) (Set Number: X9486 )

Frankly, looking at this picture I stole from Getty Images gives me a second wind.  A smoky, hazy wind, yes, but a second wind nonetheless.  I just now starting to feel the strength to dig deep, to push forward, to persevere.  I can hear Chuck Yeager in my ear whispering HIS famous quote:

“You do what you can for as long as you can, and when you finally can’t, you do the next best thing. You back up but you don’t give up.”

Can I really abandon my mission to promote the health benefits of chain smoking?  Especially now, with all the young folks starting to “vape.”  Vape!  It’s so dangerous.  Listen people, and listen well: Unlike cigarettes, there are no health benefits to vaping! 

That’s it.  I am NOT going to give up!  I am going to embrace yet another Vince Lombardi quote:

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.”

Yes, my chain-smoking campaign has been knocked down.  But I’m going to pick it up, dust it off, and move forward.  The medical benefits are too great to ignore. In the spirit of the great Vince Lombardi, my new campaign slogan will be:

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you light up.”

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The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

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Seven Rules for the College Playground –

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Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

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Why You Should Start Smoking Cigarettes Immediately

Medical professionals agree that if you want to be healthy, you need to do three things.  First, eat right.  Second, exercise.  And third, chain smoke.  Doctors recommend a bare minimum of two packs a day. 

If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong.  It’s based on scientific research.  Doctors have known about the benefits of smoking since the late 1800’s.  And this is especially true for those suffering from asthma.  Take a look at this Scientific ad, if you don’t believe me –

Please note the warning at the bottom of the ad: “Not Recommended For Children Under 6.”  This is an important clarification – Children under six CAN smoke – it’s just not recommended. 

And the benefits of cigarettes don’t stop there.  They’re also good for digestion –

The more accurate term for tobacco cigarettes is “cigarette medicine.”  If used properly, and with a sufficient dosage, they can help you live to 100 –

This is probably why, “More Doctors smoke Camels.”

If you’re not so concerned with longevity, and more concerned about your dental health, you should ask your dentist which brand of cigarette medicine he recommends.  Your dentist may have very strong feelings on the subject.  Here’s one who does –

If you’re concerned about any possible side effects of cigarette medicine, don’t be.  However, if you’re one of those pointed-headed geeks who likes to do their own research before starting a new medical regiment, consider this trusted scientific literature –

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, ‘Wait a minute.  Hasn’t there been more recent scientific research that questions the health benefits of smoking?”

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you.  Because the last thing I want to do is mislead you.  The answer is, “No.”

You’re probably thinking about that group of “fringe” scientists.  Those wacky guys who claimed that we actually landed a man on the moon in 1968.  Here is an example of their trumped-up “proof” –

Notice how they cleverly added the fake footprints in the foreground to make it look like the astro-NOT was actually walking around?  This picture was actually taken on the back lot of Paramount Studios (where they also filmed the “live” television version).  It was all connected to Nixon and his Watergate Cover-up.  (Truth be told, it’s the real reason Nixon had to resign.) 

But back to the health benefits of smoking.

I’m not saying that smoking cigarettes is the answer to MOST of your health concerns.  I’m saying that smoking is the answer to ALL your health concerns.  At least if you smoke a minimum of two packs a day. 

I’ll leave you with this one last piece of medical advice: Remember to only smoke “fresh” cigarettes –

WAIT!  You’re not done yet.  Earn good karma!  Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.

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It’s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Also-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov