Tag Archives: Smoking

Why You Should Start Smoking Cigarettes Immediately

Medical professionals agree that if you want to be healthy, you need to do three things.  First, eat right.  Second, exercise.  And third, chain smoke.  Doctors recommend a bare minimum of two packs a day. 

If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong.  It’s based on scientific research.  Doctors have known about the benefits of smoking since the late 1800’s.  And this is especially true for those suffering from asthma.  Take a look at this Scientific ad, if you don’t believe me –

Please note the warning at the bottom of the ad: “Not Recommended For Children Under 6.”  This is an important clarification – Children under six CAN smoke – it’s just not recommended. 

And the benefits of cigarettes don’t stop there.  They’re also good for digestion –

The more accurate term for tobacco cigarettes is “cigarette medicine.”  If used properly, and with a sufficient dosage, they can help you live to 100 –

This is probably why, “More Doctors smoke Camels.”

If you’re not so concerned with longevity, and more concerned about your dental health, you should ask your dentist which brand of cigarette medicine he recommends.  Your dentist may have very strong feelings on the subject.  Here’s one who does –

If you’re concerned about any possible side effects of cigarette medicine, don’t be.  However, if you’re one of those pointed-headed geeks who likes to do their own research before starting a new medical regiment, consider this trusted scientific literature –

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, ‘Wait a minute.  Hasn’t there been more recent scientific research that questions the health benefits of smoking?”

I’m going to be perfectly honest with you.  Because the last thing I want to do is mislead you.  The answer is, “No.”

You’re probably thinking about that group of “fringe” scientists.  Those wacky guys who claimed that we actually landed a man on the moon in 1968.  Here is an example of their trumped-up “proof” –

Notice how they cleverly added the fake footprints in the foreground to make it look like the astro-NOT was actually walking around?  This picture was actually taken on the back lot of Paramount Studios (where they also filmed the “live” television version).  It was all connected to Nixon and his Watergate Cover-up.  (Truth be told, it’s the real reason Nixon had to resign.) 

But back to the health benefits of smoking.

I’m not saying that smoking cigarettes is the answer to MOST of your health concerns.  I’m saying that smoking is the answer to ALL your health concerns.  At least if you smoke a minimum of two packs a day. 

I’ll leave you with this one last piece of medical advice: Remember to only smoke “fresh” cigarettes –

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The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness

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Seven Rules for the College Playground –

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Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

How to Enjoy a Smoke Free Casino

Smoke Free Slots

I recently attended a professional conference near a large casino.  Naturally, I was drawn like a moth to the flame.  I decided to drop by and make a small donation to the cause.  After all, at least it would buy me the privilege of sitting on an uncomfortable stool and damaging my retinas for a couple of hours.  My only hesitation, however, was my sanctimonious aversion to cigarette smoke.  As you may know, an impenetrable wall of smoke sits immediately inside the entrance of every casino.  Federal law requires this.  Casinos face stiff fines if the smoke plume hovering over the main floor drops beneath a specific density.  If a federal regulator with 20/20 vision can see through the cloud past the third slot machine, he is required to shut the casino down until the casino can reach acceptable plume density.  But lucky for me, this casino advertised Smoke Free Slots. 

The gambling industry likes to refer to itself as the gaming industry.  (Another name for it is the mob, but you might be wise to steer clear of that little descriptor, unless you’re on good terms with your orthopedic surgeon.)  The term gaming apparently puts people in a better mood to drop next month’s rent in pursuit of a jackpot.

Like most middle-aged folks, I grew up around people who smoked.  We never thought about it.  Someone might ask, “Mind if I smoke?” as they lit up in your home or car.  Or they might not.  And car ashtrays were for ashes, not spare change.  Ashtrays were everywhere, every table of every restaurant.  You were never ten feet from an ashtray.  Now we refer to secondhand smoke in the same tone we reserve for the term radioactive death plume.  It’s now socially acceptable to remove the tire iron from your car and bludgeon anyone who lights up within 25 feet of you.  Especially in my state.  My state has outlawed even displaying a cigarette in public.  People react as though you’re brandishing a Colt .45.

Except in casinos.

In states that have banned smoking in public places, not only is smoking banned from restaurants, but in venues where smokers have traditionally hung out – bars, pool halls, bowling alleys.  Casinos are the smokers’ last refuge.  It was into this lion’s den I entered to enjoy their Smoke Free Slots.

I’m not an architect or an environmental engineer, but as I made my way through the doorway and down the hall to the Smoke Free Slots, I looked to my left and noticed what appeared to be a minor design flaw.  There was no wall separating the Smoke Free Slots from the main casino floor.  The designer also forgot one of his fourth grade science lessons – the one about smoke rising.  The floor of the Smoke Free Slots area was elevated from the main floor.  I had to hand it to them though.  There was noticeably less smoke hovering over the Smoke Free Slots.  The haze was akin to LA on a crisp spring day when the coastal breezes are blowing 30 to 40 percent of the smog inland.

I walked to the farthest back corner and took a seat.  My eyes were tingling only slightly from the mildly smoky, smoke-free air, so I fed the machine a bill.  No sooner had the machine swallowed my money when a burly guy in a windbreaker plopped down in front of the machine next to me.  He fed it a twenty, and yes, simultaneously lit up a butt.  In his defense, I feel compelled to admit, How was he to know?  But that was it for me.  This was the point of my swift surrender and hasty retreat.

_______

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It’s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.

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______________________________

Also-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov