Dec 312019
 
This Picture Used Completely Without Permission from UPI

I’ll begin by apologizing for this udderly ridiculous story.

I recently stumbled upon a scientific breakthrough in veterinarian medicine.  Sadly, the tsunami of fake news flooding recent headlines has practically drowned out this important, Pulitzer Prize worthy story written by Ben Hooper for UPI.  My regular readers know that I believe strongly that writers must stand behind the accuracy of their stories.  I will not attempt to dodge that responsibility here.  However, because I stole all this information from Mr. Hopper’s article, the SOLE blame for any and all errors should, of course, fall on his shoulders.    

A surprisingly little-known fact is that New Zealand sheep are particularly well-endowed.  You may be familiar with the various breeds of sheep.  There are wool sheep, “rack of lamb” sheep, and “Mary had a little lamb” sheep (bred specifically for counting).  In New Zealand, however, unbeknownst to the rest of us in the civilized world, debauched sheep ranchers have been breeding a line of sheep called Marilyn Monroe sheep.  I’m just kidding!  They’re called Dolly Parton sheep. 

Anyway, Mr. Hopper’s story explains that there is an unfortunate sheep condition that can cause a sheep’s udder (SUPER GROSS WARNING! You should really stop reading here) to hang so low that, “it can be traumatized on the ground.”  (Ouch!  Even my nipples are hurting at this point!)

I know what you’re thinking.  This is a ripe opportunity for some creative soul to rip off that classic song that goes, “Do your ears hang low?  Do they wobble to and fro?  Can you tie them in a knot?  Can you tie them in a bow?”  People discover meaning in life by finding a need and then filling it.  (Do the world a favor.  Fill this void.)

The name of the sheep in the risqué lingerie photo above is Rose.  She’s sporting a maternity bra size 24J.  The vet cut holes in Rose’s bra so she could nurse her three lambs.  (Mr. Hopper’s story insinuates that the third lamb is the one guilty of injuring Rose’s “sheep bosom.”)  During her pregnancy, it apparently, and without warning, dropped like a fat man from the gallows.

Rose’s plight has inspired me to begin manufacturing a line of bras for domesticated animals.  Why stop at sheep?  Have you ever taken a good look at the udder on a Holstein cow?  Talk about one of God’s creatures in need of a little support!  And don’t think for a moment that nanny goats couldn’t use a little relief.

I’m going to see if Victoria’s Secret wants to partner with me to start a dairy line.  We’ll give the new company a seductive name – “Victoria Secret’s Udderly Fabulous.”

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