Oct 192019

Milo the Dog ventured south from Portland this week to enjoy some “me time,” in Eugene.  For those of you who don’t speak dog, “me time” is doggy language which translates to “pee time.”  It’s a time to pee on new and exciting things – birch trees, box plants, landscape ornamentals, and distracted neighbors.

Oliver the Cat, who has been living in our home as a squatter since last year, translates “me time” to “eat me time.”  This is Oliver’s greatest fear, and what he believes is Milo’s primary goal between his pee times. 

Thankfully, the weather is cooperating, and we’ll have wonderful dog-walking conditions this week.  Here’s the forecast

When he’s not enjoying a nice walk through the daily monsoon, Milo enjoys spending time in the spa (living room) between his pee times, getting his beauty rest –

Living with both Oliver and Milo is like playing a 24-hour game of Tetris.  Oliver goes into the utility hall while Milo is in the house but is let to roam freely when Milo is outside.  Prior to letting Milo back into the house, we must find Oliver, take him prisoner, and transport him either back into the utility hall or put him outside.  Luckily, when he’s not napping (which he only does 23 hours a day), Oliver likes to spend as much time outside as possible looking for creatures to torture and eat. 

I recently caught this action shot of Oliver (don’t blink) –

One of the most exciting things about having Milo visit, is that it gives me a chance to become the key prosecution witness in a murder trial.  As everyone who watches an unhealthy number of true crime TV shows is well aware, the “key” witness in every murder trial is some poor sap out walking his dog at midnight.  Here is an official excerpt of a murder trial transcript (well, it would be official, if I hadn’t made it up):

Prosecutor: “What time was it when you saw the baldheaded man with the bloody knife run from the gazebo and race away in the dilapidated Dodge Durango?

Key “Dog-Walking” Witness: “Uh… About midnight.”

Prosecutor (with a sour look on his face like he just bit into a rotten peanut M&M): I rest my case, Your Honor.”

Sadly, I think it is far too rainy this week for me to witness any murders.  So, there goes that opportunity.  The only way I think I’ll get to witness a murder is if Milo’s “me time,” I mean “pee time,” REALLY becomes “eat me time.”  Good luck, Oliver!  We’re rooting for you!


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Extreme Vetting: Family Pet Edition

 Humor  Comments Off on Extreme Vetting: Family Pet Edition
Mar 052017

I am OFFICIALLY calling on the United States Commerce Department to launch an “all out investigation” into the devious and patently unfair marketing strategy (i.e. “scheme”) of one of our nation’s preeminent industries.  I think you know what industry I’m talking about.  I also think you agree with me that this industry has been “coddled” by Washington Insiders far too long.  I am, of course, referring to the “Dog Industry Cartel Kerfuffle.” (No, I will not use this group’s acronym.  This is a family friendly column.  Get your minds out of the gutter).

This industry is using a blatantly unfair marketing advantage in promoting its brand, to wit: Puppies.  By unfairly exploiting puppies, pictures of puppies, and stories about puppies, et cetera, the average American is placed at a gross disadvantage.  This outfit even stoops to marketing to children.  Walk into the children’s section of any library and what do you see?  Picture books about puppies.  And not a balanced view of puppies.  No.  It’s all one-sided.  It’s all Pro-Puppy.

This all leads me to a friend of mine.  For the purposes of this column, I’ll refer to her as, “Janene,” because her name happens to be Janene.  Janene is an “industry insider.”  She has two dogs.  The first dog her family got was Peanut, a Chihuahua-King Cavalier designer dog.  (The whole industry is becoming high-tech – Another unfair advantage).  We all thought Peanut was a small dog until Janene got her second dog, Paparazzi.  Now, compared to Paparazzi, Peanut looks like an aircraft carrier.  Paparazzi is a Yorkshire terrier.  He weighs slightly less than your average cotton ball.

As his name suggests, Paparazzi has a certain flair.  He has caught the attention of the owner of a female Yorkie who is interested in him breeding (or in today’s dog parlance, “hooking-up”) with her dog.  Janene would get the pick of the litter, and she asked me if my family might be interested in a Paparazzi Junior.

Here’s the rub.

I’m married to someone whom you might not characterize as a “dog lover.”  Her list of concerns include: 1. They are dogs, 2. They tend to shed hair, and finally, 3. They are dogs.  If my wife were Superwoman (which in many ways she is), then dog hair is Kryptonite.  Well, guess what?  Yorkie’s don’t shed.  So that takes care of her number 2 concern.

Now, I just need to solve problems 1 and 3.