Tag Archives: Obama

My Dream Cruise

Cruise Final

By Jack Edwards

Willpower and “grit” are the keys to success. Sadly, I am in embarrassingly short supply of either. But it’s not entirely my fault. My wife goes nuts when she catches me bringing any grit into the house. As for willpower, let’s just say that today was to be the first day of my new diet; however, theory didn’t meet reality, and I am currently in the process of polishing off my second bowl of M&Ms. (In my defense, guilt prevented me from filling the first bowl properly, which resulted in it emptying far too quickly, and thus the second “properly” filled bowl, which, may I add, is going down quite smoothly.)

My previous diet was a variation of the Atkins Diet, which I dubbed the “Fat-kins” Diet. The effectiveness of any diet is judged by whether it delivers clear and consistent results. And, boy, did it ever. I’ve never put on so much weight, in a clear and consistently manner.

All of this leads me to my current concern: Cruises. More precisely, that my wife wants us to take a cruise. We’ve taken three previous cruises, which I have enjoyed, but as many of you know, taking a cruise is a lot like being locked in a Golden Corral Buffet for a week. It’s an “all you can eat” breakfast, followed by an “all you can eat” lunch, anchored with an “all you can eat” million course dinner. And, of course, conveniently located snack bars to tide the gorged passengers over in between these healthful meals. Best of all, it’s ALL INCLUDED! That’s right, it’s FREE, if you ignore the fact that you actually paid for it. I once rolled my bloated body back to my cabin late one evening to lay down, and just as I was dozing off, my wife and kids marched into our “stateroom” to ask if I wanted to accompany them to the ship’s ice sculpture inspired midnight buffet. Yes, to confirm to the uninitiated, the feed trough is open 24/7. I estimate that the average cruise ship is riding 4-6 feet lower in the water when it docks at the end of the week.

I’ve decided to make an offer to the cruise industry. In exchange for being the first cruise line to make the following modifications, I will immediately book a cruise with your company.

  1. As those of you who have ever taken a cruise know, when you first step onboard, the ship’s purser announces your name. Ironically, no one is really listening to this announcement except a handful of uniformed cruise line employees ordered to stand there and look thrilled that “The Smith Family of Omaha, Nebraska” as finally arrived. Well, here is my modification. Instead of announcing names, passengers step onto a nautical looking scale, and the purser announces their weight. This number is then entered into the ship’s operational database for the purposes below.
  2. Cruise lines already assign everyone a key card, but now, the key card will keep track to two things, first, the number of calories you burn during the day, and second, the number of calories you burn off using the many treadmills which will be stationed throughout the ship. Watching the kids play in the pool? Do it on the treadmill. Enjoying the Broadway style show? Do it on a treadmill. Your card cuts you off at the combined number of calories burned. You keep swiping your card in front of the cheesecake display, but the light continually shines red? Head for the nearest treadmill!
  3. All treadmills will be connected to the engine room to help power the ship. ATTENTION CRUISE LINES: I’m talking sustainable “green” energy. That means that Obama will happy “invest” hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for the ships you have registered in Panama to be modified with this technology using “stimulus” money. (It’s called “stimulus” money because it stimulates votes). It’s a win-win.   In fact, I have no doubt that the first family would join me on the first cruise.

Of course, as a practical matter, if any cruise line does implement this idea, it means one thing: I will need to carefully prepare for the cruise by using grit and “will power.” I intend to stuff myself like a sumo wrestler immediately prior to boarding to give myself a little flexibility. I’ll be the first person in history to disembark weighing less than when I boarded.

Google Buys NSA on eBay

Google Final

At a press conference yesterday, Google announced that it had purchased the National Security Agency (NSA) from the US government.  The Obama administration had posted the agency on eBay earlier that day, and Google used the “Buy It Now” feature to secure the purchase.  Google spokesperson Charlie Snort explained that the timing of the purchase was perfect.  “This appears to be the final tool, or piece of the puzzle as it were, which will enable Google to complete its stated mission to collect and catalog all available data of not only those living in the United States and among the free world, but indeed, all seven billion people on earth.”  Snort added that Google already had the ability to filter most email traffic and capture the inner most personal thoughts and desires of the public.  Now, however, with its newly acquired intelligence agency, the company will be able to assure any entity seeking to purchase information the from Mountain View, California company that it can feel confident that few if any secrets remain.  “Very little mystery will continue to exist concerning any particular target,” Snort added.  The spokesperson was quick to correct his use of the word “target” and explained he meant to say “person.”  “Our customers can now feel comfortable that whether they need to know the favorite cuisine of the First Lady of France, or the lingerie tastes of the guy down the street, Google stands ready to deliver.”

Reached during a rare appearance at a White House briefing, President Obama proudly described the sale as a major coup for his administration.  “This is yet another example of my administration’s continued willingness to reach across party lines in the spirit of compromise.  My friends in The Tea Party haven’t been able to shut up about the need to shrink government and privatize traditional governmental operations.  Well, here you go.  Heck, I’ve attended several top security briefings during my tenure as Commander and Chief, and it’s clear to me that most of the ‘intelligence’ the NSA has gathered as of late is from Google anyway.  Just wait until Google staffers unlock the doors to the NSA offices.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall and see their faces.  Believe me, all they’re going to find is a bunch of notepads with Google passwords written on them.  Okay, they might find a Yahoo account in there too, but, come on….” he added with his trademarked chuckled.  “Now, instead of calling in a representative from the NSA for a briefing, I can just type my inquiry into my Google taskbar.  And,” he added with a grin, “don’t forget to note that we got our ‘Buy It Now’ price on eBay.  How often does that happen?  Suckers! This was yet another Obama victory for the American People.”

Later in the day, Google issued a written press release assuring citizens of the United States that the new division of its company collecting and cataloging terrorist threats to the American people would be provided to law enforcement agencies at “a steep discount.”