I dare to speak for most sensitive Americans when I say that I care deeply about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But to be completely honest with you, I and my compatriots have absolutely no idea what the fight is about. Sure, we know they each want the same piece of land, but that’s about it. And if you asked one of us to find the Gaza Strip on a map, get comfortable. We’d be frowning, making faces, and running our finger along that map like a rhesus monkey hunting for a tick. We’d be too afraid to actually put our finger down on a particular spot for fear it might turn out to be Bangkok or maybe even New Jersey.
Frankly, it’s time for someone to stand up and take this Middle Eastern bull by the horns. I propose that someone be me. I am uniquely qualified. I am neither Jewish nor Palestinian, so I don’t have a dog in the fight, and I’ve had a number of people comment on my fair-minded nature. For example, several times in the past, folks have commented, “Wow, Jack, that’s surprisingly fair of you,” say as I chucked in an extra buck toward the tip after a group dinner. But above all, I have a secret weapon. I call it the Win, Win, Win plan.
My plan requires that my fellow Americans exercise a certain degree of self-reflection. We must first agree on a problem that’s been an elephant in our country’s living room for two hundred years. That is, of course, the disharmonic outline of our lower “contiguous” states. It is, how should I put this politely… unkempt. We have an unsightly peninsula jutting off into the sea on the lower right corner. This disharmonious land mass is more commonly referred to as Florida. I’m sure other countries comment on it to each other behind our back. It’s an odd appendage. And to anyone with even the most basic understanding of Fung Shui, it is inarguably “out-of-balance.” From a politic perspective alone, wouldn’t we be better off without it? The savings in election recounts by itself would pay back 40 percent of the national debt. And it’s a geographical eyesore – flat as a pancake, and only six inches above sea level. Al Gore says his global warming program should have it underwater by the end of the year. It’s high time for us to unload this albatross. That’s where Israel and Palestine enter the picture. You got it now. We’re looking for a buyer.
Here’s the deal. First, we need to find a couple of really effective time share brokers. The kind who can really lay on the shellac. The kind of guys who salivate at convincing granny to liquidate her 401K and slap it down for “four weeks in paradise…forever!” Then we arrange for both the Israelis and the Palestinians to tour this slab of mud and swamp separately. We’ll really lay down the baloney. I’m talkin’ top notch, whirlwind tour. The parties will, of course, be required to bring along their spouses to ensure that any contract they sign while still under the influence of their post-tour euphoria will be binding. If they both want it, we’ll flip a coin. If neither do, then I’ll suggest a coin toss. Oh, sure, they’ll balk, but we’ll ask the United Nations to do a little arm twisting. (We all know how persuasive the U.N can be.) Hey, it’s a fifty-fifty chance their problems are solved and their arch enemies move to the other side of the planet. Doesn’t get more tempting than that.
Granted, the idea is a little outside of the box, but compare it to what we’ve got now. Yeah. Bupkis. We’re offering prime oceanfront real estate on three sides. And if the negotiations get tough, we’ll throw in Disney World. The Disney Corporation has always been public spirited; I’m sure they’ll go along with the idea. People are getting tired of standing in line for their vacations anyway.
So there you have it. The Win, Win, Win. Now, about my commission….
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