{"id":947,"date":"2017-02-09T06:09:45","date_gmt":"2017-02-09T14:09:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=947"},"modified":"2017-02-10T12:53:32","modified_gmt":"2017-02-10T20:53:32","slug":"donald-trump-unauthorized-biography","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=947","title":{"rendered":"Donald Trump: An Unauthorized Biography"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife and I went on a free vacation to Las Vegas last year.\u00a0 I\u2019m still not sure who paid for it.\u00a0 It was either Donald Trump, the Hilton Corporation, or (and this is my best guess) the Las Vegas Mafia.\u00a0 Anyway, in exchange for suffering through a two hour timeshare pitch, we got a voucher that covered several nights at the Trump International Hotel.\u00a0 We felt very fancy and entitled walking through its sumptuous lobby.\u00a0 Here it is-<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Trump was still running for the Republican nomination at the time, so we asked everyone who worked there about him.\u00a0 They said Trump stayed there whenever he was in town, and they really liked him.\u00a0 Of course, there were<\/em> a few who didn\u2019t like him.\u00a0 Those people LOVED him.\u00a0 I\u2019m not kidding.\u00a0 But, as I\u2019m sure you would expect, there were exceptions.\u00a0 There was the occasional employee who neither liked nor loved Trump.\u00a0 These few people WORSHIPED him.\u00a0 This made me conclude that:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. They really did<\/em> like him, or<\/li>\n
  2. Trump had contracted with the Las Vegas Mafia to hold all their relatives hostage to keep them in line.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    And if you doubt my claim that there is a Las Vegas Mafia, I present this photograph as Exhibit #1 –<\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n

    The only group of people sinister enough to drop a four story M&M store smack in the middle of the Vegas Strip is organized crime.\u00a0 It\u2019s not enough that they suck your wallet dry on the casino floor, they clean out your kid\u2019s piggy bank too.\u00a0 At least the kids whose parents are stupid enough to take them to Las Vegas.<\/p>\n

    My two criticisms of the Trump International, which you may or may not choose to attribute to Donald Trump (although I blame him personally), are:<\/p>\n

    1.\u00a0 The elevators weren\u2019t equipped with those key card inserts to ensure that only guests can travel up their floor. (I kid you not, in the evening, they assigned a stocky guy to stand in front of the elevator bank who made us show him our key cards before he\u2019d let us pass.)<\/p>\n

    And,<\/p>\n

    2.\u00a0 More than once, while taking a shower, the water went cold.\u00a0 That\u2019s a deal breaker.\u00a0 If the Mafia weren\u2019t paying for my room, I would have lodged a very<\/em> sternly worded complaint.<\/p>\n

    Side note: As you know, Las Vegas visitors are required by law to attend a Cirque du Soleil<\/a> show.\u00a0 We went to see \u201cO.\u201d\u00a0 Here\u2019s my review:\u00a0 Watching people do one amazing high dive after another was incredible\u2026 for the first 30 minutes<\/em>.\u00a0 Then it\u2019s time to wrap it up and let us get back to the bar, uh, \u2026 I mean the casino.<\/p>\n

    When we got back to the hotel on our final evening, we decide to hit the lounge.\u00a0 This is where the The Donald, in no uncertain terms, convinced me that he can get Mexico to pay for his wall.\u00a0 He got me, the biggest cheapskate in the Northern Hemisphere, to pay $500 for this drink-<\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

    Okay, not quite $500, but WAY too much.\u00a0 Embarrassingly too much.\u00a0 Although it did go down quite smoothly.<\/p>\n

    So, if you want to get all technical about it, I didn\u2019t actually<\/em> meet Donald Trump, but I got a pretty good sense of the guy.\u00a0 And in the end, yes, I have decided that I completely agree with your assessment of him.\u00a0 You are right.\u00a0 You are ABSOLUTELY right.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By Jack Edwards My wife and I went on a free vacation to Las Vegas last year.\u00a0 I\u2019m still not sure who paid for it.\u00a0 It was either Donald Trump, the Hilton Corporation, or (and this is my best guess) the Las Vegas Mafia.\u00a0 Anyway, in exchange for suffering through a two hour timeshare pitch, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[572,571,570,573,532,567,569,574,568],"class_list":["post-947","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-o","tag-cirque-du-soleil","tag-donald-trump","tag-donald-trump-autobiography","tag-humor","tag-las-vegas","tag-trump","tag-trump-humor","tag-vegas"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/947","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=947"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/947\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":958,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/947\/revisions\/958"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=947"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=947"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=947"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}