{"id":916,"date":"2017-01-26T07:13:45","date_gmt":"2017-01-26T15:13:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=916"},"modified":"2017-02-07T20:26:22","modified_gmt":"2017-02-08T04:26:22","slug":"gold-rush-living-room-couch-edition","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=916","title":{"rendered":"Gold Rush: Living Room Couch Edition"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>By Jack Edwards
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not going to point fingers, but there are people who think there is no difference between men and women (aside from a little plumbing).\u00a0 To these people, I have two words: Are you completely insane?\u00a0 Wait, that\u2019s four words.\u00a0 My error.\u00a0 I meant these two words: Gold Rush.<\/p>\n

Gold Rush is a reality television show that airs Friday nights on the Discovery Channel.\u00a0 It follows a group of daring individuals who aggressively compete for the affections of a handsome young man.\u00a0 Wait.\u00a0 My mistake again.\u00a0 That\u2019s The Bachelor.\u00a0 Gold Rush is slightly different.\u00a0 Yes, there are bachelors on the show, but many lack certain social refinements, like basic hygiene.\u00a0 These guys spend their summers working on three gold mining crews in the Alaskan Yukon.<\/p>\n

The only people who watch Gold Rush are guys.\u00a0 No women, and by this, I mean absolutely NO<\/em> women, watch Gold Rush.\u00a0 I know this because I conducted a scientific survey.\u00a0 As you may know, the key to a valid survey is selecting a statistically proportionate sample of the public, in this case, the female public.\u00a0 I employed the following “empirical” study protocol:\u00a0 I asked my mom, my wife, both<\/em> of my daughters and a lady in the grocery store line buying a box of Franzia wine, and none<\/em> of them liked Gold Rush.<\/p>\n

Guys love Gold Rush for three reasons:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. It shows a bunch of rugged adventurous guys (not unlike themselves, they imagine), operating heavy equipment in the wilderness mining gold, while super loud music pounds away in the background.<\/li>\n
  2. …Hmmmm\u2026<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Okay, there\u2019s only one reason.\u00a0 Guys like Gold Rush for one reason.<\/p>\n

    These are the mining crews-<\/p>\n

    The Beets Crew.\u00a0 Tony Beets owns this outfit. \u00a0To picture Tony, imagine one of those troll dolls from the 1970s, except imagine it a lot hairier and screaming the F word at everybody.\u00a0 Tony drops the F-Bomb at least 1000 times per episode.\u00a0 And that\u2019s just when he\u2019s talking to his children.<\/p>\n

    The Schnabel Crew.\u00a0 Parker Schnabel runs this outfit.\u00a0 Parker is 22 years old and spent his off season last year in Australia.\u00a0 He must have misunderstood when he heard about the Gold Coast.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t come back with any gold, but he did come back with a blonde bombshell who he put to work driving a rock truck.\u00a0 (And I bet even she doesn\u2019t watch the show).<\/p>\n

    The Hoffman Crew.\u00a0 Todd Hoffman leads this bunch.\u00a0 If his business had a mission statement, it would read:\u00a0 We seek to locate the richest and most profitable gold mining ground available, and then avoid it at all cost.\u00a0 He\u2019s currently navigating Chapter 7 bankruptcy (Just kidding, Todd!)<\/p>\n

    I wholeheartedly recommend the show.\u00a0 But I have one warning for the guys:\u00a0 Don\u2019t even think about watching it unless you\u2019re willing to commit to the show 100%.\u00a0 It\u2019s like crack cocaine.\u00a0 Tell your family that your Fridays nights from here on out are booked.\u00a0 (You might want to consider recording The Bachelor to keep them occupied.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By Jack Edwards I\u2019m not going to point fingers, but there are people who think there is no difference between men and women (aside from a little plumbing).\u00a0 To these people, I have two words: Are you completely insane?\u00a0 Wait, that\u2019s four words.\u00a0 My error.\u00a0 I meant these two words: Gold Rush. Gold Rush is […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[548,18,544,549,532,33,19,547,550,546,545],"class_list":["post-916","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-beets-crew","tag-funny","tag-gold-rush","tag-hoffman-crew","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-parker-schnabel","tag-schnabel-crew","tag-todd-hoffman","tag-tony-beets"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/916","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=916"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/916\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":944,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/916\/revisions\/944"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=916"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=916"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=916"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}