{"id":874,"date":"2015-09-10T07:12:03","date_gmt":"2015-09-10T14:12:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=874"},"modified":"2018-04-07T19:28:42","modified_gmt":"2018-04-08T02:28:42","slug":"i-was-not-advised","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=874","title":{"rendered":"I Was Not Advised That I Might Be Lunch"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Bear<\/a><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

I recently escaped a harrowing near death experience. Luckily, I did not know about the danger at the time. I thought I was just going for a leisurely hike. No one told me I might end up a chew toy for a cougar (not the good kind) or a hungry bear.<\/p>\n

Once every ten to fifteen years, someone slips a pill into my coffee that distorts my judgment (at least that\u2019s what I think happens), and I suggest to my family that we go on a nature hike. This is how I found myself hiking to the top of Spencer\u2019s Butte, located in the creatively named, Spencer\u2019s Butte Park. As we were beginning our daring assent up the groomed trail, I looked over and spotted a poster a few yards away. Because I already questioned my stamina to get the top and back, I decided not to expend the precious energy to go over and read the poster.<\/p>\n

After a successful trip, we happened to walk by the poster. It warned: \u201cBe Advised,\u201d with a picture of a bear and a cougar. Oddly, the picture of the bear showed the whole bear, while the picture of the cougar was a head shot. This led me to the obvious conclusion. The cougar had a better publicist.<\/p>\n

Leave it to the \u201cglass is always half full\u201d park officials. The advisory began on a positive note: \u201cWe are fortunate to have these beautiful creatures living in our natural areas. Please respect these animals and their home.\u201d Hello? Is there really a problem with park visitors failing to give these \u201cbeautiful creatures\u201d a wide berth? A berth that could dock something like an aircraft carrier or two?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a really good thing I didn\u2019t run into one of these guys on my hike, because I had not read the Be Advised sign which helpfully listed five pieces of advice under the heading, \u201cIf you encounter a bear or a cougar.\u201d<\/p>\n

First, \u201cDo not run, scream or turn your back.\u201d See, right there, that would have been the end of me. My last earthly act would have been running and screaming in the opposite direction of the \u201cbeautiful creature.\u201d (\u201cMommy, look! That man is giving a cougar a piggy back ride.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Second, \u201cMake yourself look as large as possible.\u201d Ironically, after years of trying to get a foothold on my diet and gaining modest success, this achievement could have caused my demise.<\/p>\n

Third, \u201cPut children between adults.\u201d This suggestion is no doubt the result of some startled parent using little Johnny as a getaway distraction.<\/p>\n

Fourth, \u201cSpeak firmly and back away slowly.\u201d Speak firmly? What do you say to a terrifying beast that\u2019s staring at you like you\u2019re a fresh baked Calzone?<\/p>\n

And fifth (and I swear to you I am not making this up), the final piece of advice is, \u201cIf attacked, fight back.\u201d Uh\u2026, thanks for that gem.<\/p>\n

So, as I previously stated, I survived \u2013 this time. But from now on, I\u2019m keeping a better eye on my coffee.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards I recently escaped a harrowing near death experience. Luckily, I did not know about the danger at the time. I thought I was just going for a leisurely hike. No one told me I might end up a chew toy for a cougar (not the good kind) or a hungry bear. Once […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[525,526,523,532,522,524],"class_list":["post-874","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-bear","tag-cougar","tag-hike","tag-humor","tag-park","tag-spencers-butte"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/874","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=874"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/874\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2157,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/874\/revisions\/2157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=874"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=874"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=874"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}