{"id":733,"date":"2015-05-21T06:11:08","date_gmt":"2015-05-21T13:11:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=733"},"modified":"2015-05-21T06:11:08","modified_gmt":"2015-05-21T13:11:08","slug":"the-guys-guide-to-the-perfect-wedding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=733","title":{"rendered":"The Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Wedding"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Wedding\"<\/a><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

The wedding season is rapidly approaching, and as I\u2019m sure you ladies have noticed, all us guys are DEFCON 5 excited. This is, of course, because it signals the beginning of trout season. Recent Harvard studies show that 97% of guys would rather spend a Saturday trout fishing than going within 100 miles of a wedding \u2013 including their own. (The last three percent want to play the video game \u201cCall of Duty: Black Ops.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s put it this way. The circulation of Wedding Style magazine is roughly ONE BILLION. While this number may be off by a copy or two, I am confident of this: No guy has ever voluntarily opened a cover of Wedding Style magazine. A copy of Wedding Style magazine could be sitting in the barbershop surrounded by nothing but Jehovah\u2019s Witness pamphlets. Guys will leave the shop with a fresh haircut and a little wiser in the area of Jehovah\u2019s Witness theology.<\/p>\n

Ladies, here are a few tips-<\/p>\n

1. A new wedding ritual is in order. It\u2019s called a \u201cPre-Wedding.\u201d If you\u2019ve ever attended a college football game, it\u2019s similar to a tailgater. A Pre-Wedding can be held in the church parking lot, or in the reception hall. The actual location will be, by new tradition, \u201cbride\u2019s choice\u201d (remember, it is her special day).<\/p>\n

2. A full forty-three percent of guys have gotten engaged, married, and finished their honeymoons without knowing there was such a thing as \u201cwedding colors.\u201d The other fifty-seven percent consider those guys lucky. This is because they had the subject of wedding colors beat into them like a Russian Babushka beats a rug. New tradition: The bride keeps the groom \u201cin suspense\u201d of her wedding colors until they are revealed at the Pre-Wedding.<\/p>\n

3. Halfway through the wedding, the minister will blow a whistle, and everyone will march back out to the Pre-Wedding for a few stale pizza bites and cold drinks. At the thirty minute mark, the minister will blow his whistle to signal a five minute warning to the start of the second half. The second half will always begin with a song. This allows stragglers to get back to their seats before anything important happens, like the \u201cDoes anybody object?\u201d part. Guys love this part because we get to glance around the room and pray that just this once someone will stand up and make a huge scene \u2013 really blow it out \u2013 maybe march up and physically intervene. I\u2019ve been to my share of tailgaters, so trust me on this, a good Pre-Wedding will dramatically increase the odds of this happening.<\/p>\n

4. Speaking of the post-halftime song, let\u2019s pick up the tempo a beat or two. Look folks, it\u2019s not a funeral\u2026. (Hummm. Editor: Please cut #4 from the column. This line of humor appears to be heading toward a punchline that might endanger my marital bliss.)<\/p>\n

5. Following the happy \u201cYou may kiss the bride\u201d conclusion, it\u2019s back out to the Pre-Wedding area, only, Big Surprise. New tradition: The groom then officially lifts the lid on the smoker and reveals his choice of BBQ which has been slow cooking for a minimum of 36 hours.<\/p>\n

It is with this advice in mind that I now announce my new business partnership with Wedding Style magazine.<\/p>\n

Drum-roll please!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s called Pre-Wedding Style magazine. The first copies hit the shelves next week, and the inaugural issue will include the following articles:<\/p>\n

1. \u201cLobster Bibs: The Key to Avoiding Pizza Stains on Your Tuxedo.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. \u201cAmbiance: Selecting the Right Portable Lawn Furniture for your Parking Lot Pre-Wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n

3. \u201cWedding Smokers: Size vs. Portability.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. \u201cHow to a Defuse a Police Response to Your Pre-Wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n

I will, of course, write a column for each issue. The name of it will be: \u201cCall of Duty: Pre-Wedding Ops.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards The wedding season is rapidly approaching, and as I\u2019m sure you ladies have noticed, all us guys are DEFCON 5 excited. This is, of course, because it signals the beginning of trout season. Recent Harvard studies show that 97% of guys would rather spend a Saturday trout fishing than going within 100 […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[18,509,532,33,19,510,512,511],"class_list":["post-733","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-funny","tag-guys","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-wedding","tag-wedding-style","tag-weddings"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=733"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":738,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/733\/revisions\/738"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=733"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=733"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=733"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}