{"id":690,"date":"2015-04-16T06:35:36","date_gmt":"2015-04-16T13:35:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=690"},"modified":"2015-04-16T06:35:36","modified_gmt":"2015-04-16T13:35:36","slug":"california-dreamin-of-a-long-hot-shower","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=690","title":{"rendered":"California Dreamin’… of a long hot shower"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/strong><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

Even indigenous tribes in the deepest, darkest, most remote tributaries of the Amazon basin have been alerted by the media that California is facing a severe drought. California Governor Jerry Brown is working on a solution. The reaction from citizens in the remaining 49 states has been swift. They keep asking the same question: \u201cCalifornia elected Jerry Brown\u00a0governor again? Who was he running against? Charles Manson?\u201d But I digress. (We love you, Jerry!<\/em>)<\/p>\n

Gov. Brown has signed an executive order. It requires all Californians to limit their future showering to using coconut water. And to prepare for the inevitable day when California depletes its coconut water supply (tomorrow), he has ordered all Californians to report to the Navy Seal Training Base at Coronado, California to learn how to take those three-minute military grade showers, and in addition, to learn how to improvise using non-liquid showering methods, such as sand.<\/p>\n

As a general rule, I don\u2019t care about California. None of us do. Frankly, we enjoy watching them suffer because we are envious of their great weather and conveniently located In & Out Burger restaurants. However, I must remind myself of our column\u2019s official motto – \u201cJocularious.com: A marginally amusing rant providing practical solutions to today\u2019s real and imagined problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

All joking aside, Gov. Brown has released a plan, and it\u2019s getting mixed reviews. A recent Los Angeles Times (real) headline read, \u201cGov. Brown\u2019s drought plan goes easy on agriculture.\u201d The sense I get from my one and only cursory reading of the fine piece of journalism is that many non-farm interests, including golf course owners, aren\u2019t happy. The mere notion that California\u2019s farm industry, which grows half of all fruits and vegetables in the United States, is as important as the golf industry drives golf people bonkers. Where else but on a thick swath of lush green grass will middle-aged California residents get their exercise by driving their carts half sloshed (the golfers not the carts) from their flasks of Wild Turkey, as they blaze their way toward the nineteenth hole?<\/p>\n

Farmers, on the other hand, sensitive to the plight of their fellow Californians, are carefully managing their media image. Chris Scheuring, an attorney for the California Farm Bureau Federation, is quoted in the LA Times article. (Note: This is real person, his real title, and a real quote \u2013 go ahead and Google it). Apparently attempting to quell panic, he reassured Californians, \u201cFolks are still going to [be able to] brush their teeth.\u201d This is obvious pandering to the entertainment industry. Example:<\/p>\n

Jimmy Kimmel to his guest Oprah Winfrey: \u201cOprah, why are you standing way over there? Come sit next to my desk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Oprah: \u201cUh\u2026. Thanks, Jimmy. I\u2019m good from here.\u201d<\/p>\n

To put an end to all this madness, here is my three-point plan to save California:<\/p>\n

1. You know that fake submarine ride at Disneyland? The one they call \u201cSubmarine Voyage\u201d?\u00a0 The one everybody\u2019s so sick of? According to Wikipedia, that \u201clagoon\u201d holds nine million gallons of water. Simple, we kill the ride and confiscate the water. As a bonus, we gain the appreciation of millions of Disneyland visitors.<\/p>\n

2. We launch an ad campaign using California\u2019s most popular natural resource: Sexy Hollywood actors. We use them to promote substituting micro-brewed beer for water. This is a double-whammy. One, we save water. Two, we ignite this important emerging industry.<\/p>\n

3. According to Slate.com, ten percent of California\u2019s water goes to growing almonds. Because I know you think I\u2019m lying, here is an actual photo of an article headline off my iPhone-
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

Solution? We stop growing almonds and start growing cashews. If you\u2019re tempted to disagree, go eat a roasted cashew right now. Uh-huh. Yes. They\u2019re that good.<\/p>\n

Now that I\u2019ve solved California\u2019s crisis, I\u2019ve got to run. I\u2019m visiting LA next week, and I\u2019ve got to start packing my coconut water.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards Even indigenous tribes in the deepest, darkest, most remote tributaries of the Amazon basin have been alerted by the media that California is facing a severe drought. California Governor Jerry Brown is working on a solution. The reaction from citizens in the remaining 49 states has been swift. They keep asking the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"California Dreamin'... of a long hot shower","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[493,497,495,18,532,496,19,494],"class_list":["post-690","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-california","tag-charles-manson","tag-drought","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-jerry-brown","tag-lol","tag-water"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/690","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=690"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/690\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":697,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/690\/revisions\/697"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=690"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=690"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=690"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}