{"id":631,"date":"2015-02-12T06:55:46","date_gmt":"2015-02-12T14:55:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=631"},"modified":"2015-02-12T06:55:46","modified_gmt":"2015-02-12T14:55:46","slug":"cheeseburger-mayhem-georgia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=631","title":{"rendered":"Cheeseburger Mayhem in Georgia"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Cheeseburger<\/a><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

I just found out that I\u2019ve been a repeat criminal since the age of 16. However, through luck or happenstance, or more likely, because I have done my best to avoid spending any more time in Georgia than absolutely necessary, I have eluded apprehension. Let me explain.<\/p>\n

The Associated Press recently reported (and please divest your mind of any notion that I have conducted what you might consider “actual research\u201d beyond a quick review of this newspaper article) that a Georgia police officer ticketed a man for the offense of \u201ceating a cheeseburger while driving.\u201d<\/p>\n

My initial reaction was that this violates the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution because my wife never eats cheeseburgers. She\u2019s lactose intolerance, so simply due to her unfortunate physiological circumstance, she is far less likely than I am to run afoul of this offense. Sadly for me, I am a Completely Lactose Tolerant person, and I have the belly to prove it. Frankly, my wife doesn\u2019t even really care for regular hamburgers, which makes her even less likely to be picked off the street by the long hairy arm of the Georgia police.<\/p>\n

In the Associated Press article, the driver was nabbed after a police officer observed him blatantly, \u201cenjoying a double quarter-pounder with cheese as he drove down a highway outside Atlanta.\u201d To be fair to the officer and my wife, it was unclear to me from my casual reading of the article whether cheese specifically played a role in the offense, or, more likely, that it was a \u201cdouble\u201d quarter-pounder, and the officer was concerned about the height of the burger, which as everyone knows requires that the eater stretch his or her mouth somewhat wider to bite, thus potentially causing momentary automobile distraction.<\/p>\n

According to the apprehended driver, the officer confronted him by saying, and this is a real quote from the Associated Press article: “You can’t just go down the road eating a hamburger.”
\nMcDonald\u2019s franchisees and the American public who live under the harsh scrutiny and watchful eye of Georgia law enforcement will be pleased to know that after an investigation launched by the office of the Cobb County Solicitor General, the solicitor determined that it could not prove the charge beyond a reasonable doubt, and asked the court to dismiss the case.<\/p>\n

As a public service to Georgia drivers now put on notice that their trip through the drive-thru might cost them their freedom, I must note that this driver may not be so lucky the next time. Sure, he was able to find a \u201cloophole\u201d and slip away unscathed this<\/em> time (i.e. by a slight \u201ctechnicality\u201d referred to in Black\u2019s Law Dictionary called \u201cHe Was Innocent\u201d), but he shouldn\u2019t just walk off thinking he has a pass to willy-nilly go driving down Georgia\u2019s law-abiding roads eating any old thing he wants. He needs to think twice before so casually, for example, driving while eating an ice cream cone. Those things drip. Especially in Georgia. And any professionally trained George law enforcement official can tell you that those drips can cause accidents.<\/p>\n

So the next time you consider visiting Georgia, first do your homework. Research the state. Learn about its history and culture, how it governs itself. Learn its state motto which (I swear this is true \u2013 look it up) is: \u201cWisdom, Justice, Moderation.\u201d And then, if you\u2019re like me, and have had the good fortune, and frankly, the statistically unlikely luck of never having been actually arrested, STAY AWAY FROM GEORGIA. THEY\u2019RE CHARGING PEOPLE WITH EATING HAMBURGERS! Or, hey, if you’re the adventurous sort, and like to live on the edge, go for it. In fact, make it a Whopper!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards I just found out that I\u2019ve been a repeat criminal since the age of 16. However, through luck or happenstance, or more likely, because I have done my best to avoid spending any more time in Georgia than absolutely necessary, I have eluded apprehension. Let me explain. The Associated Press recently reported […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[476,18,477,532,33],"class_list":["post-631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-cheeseburger","tag-funny","tag-georgia","tag-humor","tag-laugh"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=631"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/631\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":634,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/631\/revisions\/634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=631"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=631"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}