{"id":462,"date":"2014-09-11T06:46:25","date_gmt":"2014-09-11T13:46:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=462"},"modified":"2014-09-11T06:46:25","modified_gmt":"2014-09-11T13:46:25","slug":"aloha-hawaiian-moon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=462","title":{"rendered":"My Hawaiian Moon Retirement"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Hawaiian<\/a><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

A traditional Chinese curse has become popular in America. I discovered, however, as a result of my in-depth research on my iPhone (a full two seconds) that this \u201ctraditional Chinese curse\u201d is about as Chinese as Irish Potato Stew. Nevertheless, it goes: \u201cMay you live in interesting times.\u201d And we certainly do. Our nation\u2019s economy has all the stability of a twelve foot skiff in a Category 5 hurricane. This has made retirement planning, to put it euphemistically, \u201cchallenging\u201d (code<\/em><\/strong> for \u201cimpossible\u201d).<\/p>\n

Gone are the days of simply plugging a percentage of your monthly income into a mutual fund and resting assured that your golden years will be, well, \u201cgolden.\u201d At this point, most Americans are hoping for bronze.\u00a0 We will hear more of this in the future: \u201cI\u2019m looking forward to spending my Bronze Years traveling the country in my 1983 Dodge Caravan.\u201d Our predicament is due in large part to the \u201csynergy\u201d between the self-sacrificing, \u201cCountry-First\u201d investment bankers on Wall Street and our hardworking \u201cpublic servants\u201d in Washington. (Notice how skillfully I referred to both investment bankers and<\/em><\/strong> elected officials without relying on words like \u201ccrooks\u201d or \u201cbuffoons\u201d). As a result, everyone needs a Plan B<\/em><\/strong> for retirement.<\/p>\n

The first three retirement alternatives that come to mind, of course, are:<\/p>\n

1. Winning America\u2019s Got Talent<\/em>. (Especially, if you own a small dog with a big personality).<\/p>\n

2. Winning the lottery. (Remember, like everything else, winning the lottery takes hard work and dedication. You can\u2019t just throw a dollar at Megabucks and expect to win right off the bat. You need a winning strategy<\/em><\/strong>, like plowing a significant percentage of your monthly paycheck in pursuit of the big win. It\u2019s only a \u201cgame\u201d to amateurs; treat it like a business.)<\/p>\n

3. \u201cWinning\u201d a long federal prison sentence. (Like every financial plan, this has its pros and cons (no pun intended). On one hand, you get medical and dental \u2013 well<\/em>, extractions. On the other, you only get to visit your grandchildren every third weekend).<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided to go in a slightly different direction. It involves strategically implanting myself into the epicenter of the multibillion dollar retail industry, placing myself in a key position at the very hub of the American economic engine. Specially, I intend to work at a mall kiosk.<\/p>\n

This position meets all of my prerequisites:<\/p>\n

1. It\u2019s a warm place, sheltered from the weather. (Remember \u2013 I\u2019ll be old and cranky, even crankier than I am now \u2013 yes<\/em><\/strong>, that is<\/em><\/strong> possible.)<\/p>\n

2. My workstation will be close to a bathroom. (Handy for any \u201cCode Red\u201d events.)<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

3. I can slip over to the food court during my breaks to grab free samples of teriyaki chicken.<\/p>\n

Of course, I don\u2019t have<\/em><\/strong> to man a kiosk. There are a number of attractive positions at the mall. I could be a spritzer at a department store, man the dis-information center or pick up used trays in the food court.<\/p>\n

I have no intention of jumping at the first opportunity. Several specific positions have caught my eye, specifically, the Hawaiian Moon lotion kiosk.<\/p>\n

Working for Hawaiian Moon would allow me to enjoy two distinct pleasures. First, I get to witness the look of pleasure as each shopper rubs the free sample in their hands. And second, I get to see the bolt of shock flash in their eyes when I tell them it\u2019s a thousand dollars an ounce. (Okay, before Hawaiian Moon files a slander suit against me, let me say this officially and unequivocally: Hawaiian Moon lotion costs less than a thousand dollars and ounce<\/em><\/strong>.)<\/p>\n

Humm. Hopefully, this gentle ribbing won\u2019t cost me my retirement plan. I really don\u2019t want to pick up those trays.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards A traditional Chinese curse has become popular in America. I discovered, however, as a result of my in-depth research on my iPhone (a full two seconds) that this \u201ctraditional Chinese curse\u201d is about as Chinese as Irish Potato Stew. Nevertheless, it goes: \u201cMay you live in interesting times.\u201d And we certainly do. […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[18,334,532,33,19,295],"class_list":["post-462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-funny","tag-golden-years","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-retirement"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=462"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":467,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462\/revisions\/467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}