![\"House](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/House-Final.jpg\")
<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\nBy Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n The first step in selling a home is for the owner to hand over the keys of his three bedroom, two\u00a0bath ranch to a real estate agent who then floods the market with ads describing it as the Palace of Versailles. Real estate agents know that the average homebuyer is looking for a sweeping estate, complete with covered portico, vaulted entry and a guest wing, but sadly can only afford a refrigerator box with aluminum windows. This is why agents occasionally<\/em><\/strong> (always<\/em>) do some mild puffing <\/em><\/strong>(flagrant lying)<\/em> when describing a property. Below is a helpful list of real estate marketing terms and their definitions:<\/p>\n 1. \u201cEnjoy the tranquility\u201d = Enjoy sitting in traffic during your daily commute.<\/p>\n Start looking for a used Prius now, because the distance to whatever little Appalachia outside your city limits where this home is located is going to be grinding.<\/p>\n 2. \u201cBreathtaking view\u201d = You can\u2019t afford it.<\/p>\n In fact, don\u2019t finish reading the rest of the ad. You\u2019re just torturing yourself. Let\u2019s face it, the only view you\u2019re going to get is one overlooking your neighbor\u2019s unkempt above-ground pool.<\/p>\n 3. \u201cMust see interior\u201d = Disregard the squalid eyesore of an exterior with all the curb appeal of a mud hut.<\/p>\n B.U.R.P. (the Bureau of Unified Real estate Professionals) requires that this phrase be included in any advertisement for a home which might otherwise be mistaken from the street as the local solid waste management facility.<\/p>\n 4. \u201cWalk to shopping\u201d = Bring your earplugs to prevent hearing damage from the 24\/7 traffic noise.<\/p>\n You\u2019ll also find the term \u201csustainable lifestyle\u201d used liberally in ads for these properties. This is also code for \u201cyour friends will have to park a mile and a half away because your new place is tucked in tighter than a tick in a pig\u2019s ear.\u201d Key word for your new housing development: Density.<\/p>\n 5. \u201cLight filled\u201d = Prepare to buy Windex at Costco by the gross.<\/p>\n The same conversation occurs whenever one of these homes is shown:<\/p>\n Prospective homebuyer saying with a chuckle, \u201cWow, I\u2019ll be cleaning windows all day!\u201d<\/p>\n Real estate agent deflecting, \u201cOh, I don\u2019t think it\u2019ll take that much time.\u201d And then quickly\u00a0adding gaily, \u201cI\u2019ll come over and help you! Ha, ha!\u201d A line of saliva sliding down the corner of her mouth in anticipation of finally unloading this albatross.<\/p>\n 6. \u201cEfficiency Condo\u201d*<\/strong> = Bathe, wash your dishes in the kitchen sink, and watch your favorite sitcom all from the comfort of your \u201cliving area.\u201d<\/p>\n *<\/strong>See also, \u201cCozy\u201d = All the spatial freedom of a hen in an egg factory.<\/p>\n 7. \u201cUnique\u201d = Run!<\/p>\n Mankind has spent eons strategically moving up the homeowner ladder from caves, to huts to well-insulated, temperature controlled, comfortable environments. That\u2019s what you want. \u201cUnique\u201d is code for the introduction of some sort of cave-like element into an otherwise (and I say this with all sensitivity) Normal<\/em><\/strong> house. Go with normal.<\/p>\n By the way, did I mention that I just put my<\/em><\/strong> house up for sale? It\u2019s a beautiful property with a sweeping view<\/em><\/strong> (of my neighbor\u2019s compost pile). It has a \u201cfeeling of spaciousness\u201d<\/em><\/strong> (which is amazing since it has the square footage of a Walmart \u201cdo-it-yourself\u201d storage shed \u2013 in fact, at one point, it may have been a Walmart storage shed). You\u2019ll enjoy many of the unique features<\/em><\/strong> (such as a broken kitchen exhaust fan and the Russian roulette garage door which responds to the remote one out of three tries). Hurry! Two<\/strong> other couples have expressed Very Serious<\/em><\/strong> interest, so you should Race down <\/strong>and make an offer Immediately<\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Jack Edwards The first step in selling a home is for the owner to hand over the keys of his three bedroom, two\u00a0bath ranch to a real estate agent who then floods the market with ads describing it as the Palace of Versailles. Real estate agents know that the average homebuyer is looking […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[18,333,532,33,19,331,332],"class_list":["post-458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-funny","tag-homebuying","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-real-estate","tag-real-estate-agents"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=458"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/458\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":461,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/458\/revisions\/461"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}