{"id":423,"date":"2014-07-31T06:40:35","date_gmt":"2014-07-31T13:40:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=423"},"modified":"2018-04-07T20:05:22","modified_gmt":"2018-04-08T03:05:22","slug":"nightmare-mold-city-motel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=423","title":{"rendered":"Nightmare at the Mold City Motel"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Final<\/a><\/p>\n

Those of you who have not served hard time in the squalor of a third world prison will have difficultly fully grasping this story. It involves a retched ten minute nightmare I had yesterday at the Mold City Motel in Denver (my apologies to all bacterial strains of the mold community). I would use the motel\u2019s real name except that it\u2019s probably mob owned, and my liver is quite happy in its current location. I managed to escape the Mold City Motel alive, and (at least to my knowledge) free of any incurable diseases, like the bubonic plague.<\/p>\n

When I am alone on a road trip, I never make hotel reservations. I have always wondered when my luck would run out, and I would end up sleeping in my car. On this trip, hotel after motel were full. It was late, and I was exhausted. I was beginning to resemble a sloth, only not as alert. More like a sloth on Valium. It was at this dire point that I had the incredible misfortune to stumble headlong into a black hole of the accommodation world \u2013 The Mold City Motel.<\/p>\n

My lodging standards are not particularly high, picture something just beneath a 1949 Georgia county jail cell. I couldn\u2019t imagine that any accommodations could break me. I was Teflon.<\/p>\n

I was elated when the manager told me he had a room, and I pounced on it like a starving hog on an acorn. I knew that at sixty bucks it wouldn\u2019t be the Taj Mahal, but I was a thirsty man in the desert. Then the manager handed me back my Visa with, I kid you not, two ratty towels rolled up and secured with a rubber band. My concern shot to DEFCON 4. It would jolt to Level 5 a few minutes later. Let me clearly express that the balance of this story is 100% true. This really happened.<\/p>\n

I cautiously walked to my room. Along the way, I passed numerous people who\u00a0appeared to be: a. drug addicts, b. drug dealers, c. professional ladies, and d. mangers of said professional ladies. Still, I assured myself that the room couldn\u2019t be THAT bad. Tragically, I was wrong. In fact, I have only been this wrong three other times in my life. One being, at the age of eleven, having watched a Lone Ranger episode and deciding to jump off our barn onto my horse. Let\u2019s just say that this deeply painful memory did not involve injury to the horse.<\/p>\n

The room looked like a scene from a movie depicting a hotel in war torn Sierra Leone. The motif was \u201cgrime.\u201d Everywhere. On every surface. I would compare it to a pig sty, but I\u2019m afraid the American Swine Association would sue me for slander. There was no bathtub, just an enormous mottled stain in the shape of a bathtub. Even the stains had stains. I say \u201cstain,\u201d although in truth I didn\u2019t try to rub any of it off. I was afraid that if I unrubberbanded (I had to invent this word to tell this story) a towel and rubbed a surface, there may have been significant grime transfer which might precipitate a projectile vomiting event.<\/p>\n

The double bed had a single king-size pillow, but it only wore a standard-sized, what appeared to be previously used, pillowcase pulled onto one end. Spots on the pillow were visible through the case. A SWAT team of bacteria no doubt stood ready to spring on anyone INSANE enough to place his head on it. I pulled the blanket back to reveal a sea of spots from beneath the onion skin thick sheet. I made the mistake of rubbing a dark gray spot on the sheet and it rubbed off. Mostly<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The manager feigned shock when I handed him back my rubberbanded roll of towels and told him I was leaving. He refused to refund my money. Motel policy.<\/p>\n

After fleeing the scene, I belatedly checked Trip Advisor on my iPhone. I stress that the following are REAL quotes from actual travelers:<\/p>\n

\u201c[Y]ou are seriously better off sleeping in your car.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife saw housekeeping in action. After people checked out he would make the bed without changing the sheets.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c[T]his place should be shut down as a public menace.\u201d<\/p>\n

I drove off looking for a place to park, curl up in my car seat and grab a few Z\u2019s. I awoke the next morning completely refreshed, and without a single kink in my neck. The king size bed in the well-appointed one bedroom suite I discovered while searching for a parking spot was just what the doctor ordered. True, the management had neglected to place a mint on\u00a0my pillow, but I survived the hardship. Remember, I\u2019m Teflon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Those of you who have not served hard time in the squalor of a third world prison will have difficultly fully grasping this story. It involves a retched ten minute nightmare I had yesterday at the Mold City Motel in Denver (my apologies to all bacterial strains of the mold community). I would use the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[316,18,532,33,19,315],"class_list":["post-423","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-denver","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-motel"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=423"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1173,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423\/revisions\/1173"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=423"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=423"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=423"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}