{"id":401,"date":"2014-07-03T06:12:14","date_gmt":"2014-07-03T13:12:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=401"},"modified":"2014-08-07T08:46:28","modified_gmt":"2014-08-07T15:46:28","slug":"five-secrets-surviving-garage-sale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=401","title":{"rendered":"Five Secrets for Surviving a Garage Sale"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Garage<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

Garage sale season is upon us. Time to clean out those closets and let total strangers pick through your castoff housewares, kitchenwares and underwears. However, as a veteran operator of several of these hillbilly storefronts, allow me to share Five Secrets for Surviving a Garage Sale.<\/p>\n

The first, and by FAR the most important rule to remember when planning a garage sale is this:<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 \u201cDo not, under any circumstances, have a garage sale.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m serious. Forget the whole idea. It\u2019s insane. Short of being a pauper trying to scrape up enough money for granny\u2019s lifesaving operation, don\u2019t stoop to this sub-minimum wage endeavor. In fact, don\u2019t even do it if you\u2019re that desperate pauper. If you\u2019re lucky, you\u2019ll make enough for the paper gown they give granny at check-in. Life is too short to haggle over a slightly used Snicker doodle scented candle.<\/p>\n

The whole notion of a garage sale is a mystery to me. I am unfamiliar with the customs of most other countries, especially ones ending with \u201cistan.\u201d And frankly, as I discover on a daily basis, I am also unfamiliar with more than a few of my own country\u2019s. So I don\u2019t know if garage sales are an American thing, or an everywhere thing, much less an \u201cistan\u201d thing. For example, I am wholly at a loss to tell you whether babushkas in Russia arrange their USSR memorabilia in front of their dachas for a weekend sale.<\/p>\n

In the good ole US of A, spreading your tarnished kitchenware, dust covered sporting goods and broken electronics across your driveway is as American as apple pie, baseball and Snuggies (which, by the way, you\u2019ll never find at a garage sale, because \u2013 trust me on this one – Snuggies are the greatest invention since the combustible engine).<\/p>\n

I will continue with my list of Garage Sale Secrets in the spirit of the Greek philosopher Plato, who once said, \u201cWise is the man who listens to those who came before him, before putting price stickers on\u00a0his used tunics.\u201d So, we continue:<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cBeef up security.\u201d<\/p>\n

I suggest renting Seal Team 6. Position, at a minimum, one sniper on the roof. And if you actually have a garage, bolt the door and board up any exterior windows with tempered sheets of steel. Garage sale customers are like locusts, they arrive without notice and consume everything in their path. They\u2019ll be hovering outside your garage knocking on the door at sunrise minus 30 minutes.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0 \u201cJust say no.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, the \u201cJust say no\u201d rule originated with Nancy Reagan; however, she adapted it to garage sale use after her husband left office. This was due to the 95% phenomenon. Let me explain. Garage sale customers fall into two categories: Type A \u2013 Bored but otherwise normal people too cheap to spring for a matinee movie ticket (5%), and Type B \u2013 People who look like they last combed their hair 12 years ago who leave their rusted-out Dodge Caravan (still running) parked blocking your driveway (95%). Type B people identify themselves by repeatedly picking up items and asking obnoxious questions. Example: Lady with most of her hair leaning starboard from sleeping the night before lifting a stack of plastic Hello Kitty cups, \u201cWhat year were these made?\u201d Suggested answer, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0 \u201cPeriodically yell out \u2018Everything is negotiable! No UNREASONABLE offer rejected!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The suggested interval to yell this is every 3 \u00bd minutes. Remember, you are going to haul all of your leftover treasures to Goodwill at the end of this extravaganza anyway. Save yourself the lower back pain.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0 \u201cAccept every offer.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is an exception to the \u201cJust Say No\u201d rule above, otherwise called the “Just say yes” rule.\u00a0Whether it\u2019s a quarter or a dollar, Goodwill and\/or the dump don\u2019t pay. If one of your valued customers has it in\u00a0his hands and verbalize an interest in hauling it off in\u00a0his rusty Caravan, make sure\u00a0he leaves with it – even if you have to toss it through\u00a0his open car window as\u00a0he drives away.<\/p>\n

Now that you have sadly wasted several precious minutes of your life reading secret rules 2 through 5, for your own peace of mind and general wellbeing, go back and read Rule 1 again. The lady at Goodwill is eagerly awaiting your stack of used underwear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards Garage sale season is upon us. Time to clean out those closets and let total strangers pick through your castoff housewares, kitchenwares and underwears. However, as a veteran operator of several of these hillbilly storefronts, allow me to share Five Secrets for Surviving a Garage Sale. The first, and by FAR the […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[18,298,301,532,300,33,19,299],"class_list":["post-401","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-funny","tag-garage-sale","tag-goodwill","tag-humor","tag-just-say-no","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-nancy-reagan"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=401"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":406,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions\/406"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}