{"id":40,"date":"2013-07-25T04:44:04","date_gmt":"2013-07-25T04:44:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=40"},"modified":"2018-07-17T20:07:17","modified_gmt":"2018-07-18T03:07:17","slug":"support-endangered-sauce-act","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=40","title":{"rendered":"Support the Endangered Sauce Act!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"The<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to an emerging crisis.\u00a0 A crisis that looms even larger and more ominous than our country\u2019s staggering deficit or our precarious interests in the Middle East, one stands firmly at the forefront:\u00a0 the puzzling disappearance of fry sauce.\u00a0 I realize I may have just lost 90% of my audience, but it is a sacrifice I, as a patriotic American, am prepared to make.\u00a0 I now continue with my core<\/i> audience, the enthusiastic 10% who have just simultaneously high-fived the air and grunted an unintelligible sound.\u00a0 My comrades who take their fries seriously and appreciate the intense carnal pleasure that a little mayonnaise and ketchup concoction can provide. Sure, a few diehard burger joints have hung on, but fry sauce is simply not as available as it used to be.\u00a0 Not only in fast food restaurants, but in most restaurants \u2013 diners even.\u00a0 And don\u2019t get me started with fancy restaurants that call their french fries \u201cpommes frites.\u201d\u00a0 Ask for sauce in one of those grand establishments and the snooty waiter looks at you like you\u2019ve coughed up a hair ball. \u00a0Fry sauce used to be everywhere.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t come within half a block of a burger joint without some pimply faced kid pushing fry sauce on you like a dope dealer pedaling smack.\u00a0 That heavenly pink concoction made of mayo, ketchup, a dash of Tobasco, and something that gave it texture \u2013 perhaps asbestos.\u00a0 Recently, rather than continue to sit back and complain (mainly to myself), about this travesty, I threw on my tweed jacket and popped in my meerschaum pipe.\u00a0 \u201cStep aside,\u201d Sherlock I said admiring myself in the mirror, Jack Edwards is here, and it\u2019s time to do some digging.<\/p>\n

First stop, the nearest fast food restaurant.\u00a0 For legal reasons, its name will be withheld.\u00a0 Instead, I will use the code name \u201cMcRonalds.\u201d\u00a0 (That should keep my lawyer off my back.\u00a0 Just saved myself $500 skipping that little telephone conference Q&A.\u00a0 Nyuck, Nyuck.)\u00a0 Anyway, the manager of that fine establishment agreed to an interview on the condition of anonymity.\u00a0 I will therefore, in keeping with the highest of journalistic ethics, refer to him by a code name as well, Yum Yum.<\/p>\n

Yum Yum:\u00a0 \u201cLook, rush hour\u2019s coming, and I\u2019m going to be flinging burgers out the drive through faster than your precious fry sauce shoots through a goose.\u00a0 So let\u2019s keep this snappy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cTwo words: fry sauce.\u00a0 Give me the skinny.\u201d\u00a0 (I cringe as these words leave my mouth, because indeed there is nothing skinny about Yum Yum).<\/p>\n

YY:\u00a0 \u201cLook Fonzi, fry sauce started going belly-up in the late sixties.\u00a0 It struggled on life support through the seventies. \u00a0People wanted ketchup, the hard stuff.\u00a0 Straight up.\u201d<\/p>\n

My journalistic antennas shot to attention.\u00a0 Plain ketchup?\u00a0 Fry sauce died for lack of demand?\u00a0 I felt like a senator holding a hearing in 1972 listening to the CEO of a major tobacco company testify that there wasn\u2019t any evidence that (cough cough) cigarettes caused cancer.\u00a0 Somebody was trying to dupe somebody, and that somebody was me. \u00a0(I may have thrown in too many \u201csomebodies\u201d here, but you get the point.)\u00a0 This guy was feeding me a pile of used cattle feed.<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWho\u2019s kidding who here, Yum Yum?\u201d\u00a0 (Except I used his really name, Brian – whoops).\u00a0 \u201cNinety-nine percent of all french fry eaters love fry sauce!\u201d\u00a0 (Based on my made up and biased research – the final one percent being in a coma and eating their french fries through a feeding tube.)\u00a0 \u201cThey didn\u2019t just stop eating it.\u00a0 You and yours pulled the switcheroo.\u00a0 \u2018Hey, folks, guess what, you have the choice of ketchup, or hey you can have ketchup.\u2019\u00a0 Give it up Yum Yum, this is about the almighty dollar, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Bri\u2026 Yum Yum:\u00a0 \u201cOkay buddy, you want the truth?\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 It is<\/i> about the money.\u00a0 That burger revolution in the seventies?\u00a0 The one putting all those crazy ideas into the heads of customers?\u00a0 Have it your way?\u00a0 A one-dollar burger they could have made to order?\u00a0 \u2018Extra pickles,\u2019 or say, \u2018extra onions\u2019.\u00a0 I once had a guy ask for his tomato slice extra thin.\u00a0 Yeah, I was there on the front line.\u00a0 Heard it with my own eyes!\u00a0 \u2018Tomato slice extra thin.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ve got cars backed up to the street, and this guy wants his tomato slice extra thin.\u00a0 Well, you don\u2019t get \u201chave it your way\u201d and<\/i> fry sauce.\u00a0 You know how long it takes to whip up, package and store fry sauce?\u00a0 Thank goodness the majority of us agreed: It\u2019s ketchup and ketchup only.\u00a0 An antitrust violation?\u00a0 An anticompetitive monopolistic maneuver?\u00a0 Complain to your congressperson.\u00a0 Otherwise, welcome to the real world.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not really sure what happed after that.\u00a0 I came to in an alley tilted against a dumpster with mayo smeared on one cheek and ketchup on the other (and I wish I were talking about my face).\u00a0 But alas, the truth was out.<\/p>\n

So a call to arms, my brethren!\u00a0 We gather at the Lincoln Memorial next week, and march united across the mall to the Capital.\u00a0 If not us, who?\u00a0 If not now, well, you get the point.\u00a0 And based on the size of many of our representative\u2019s bellies, I am confident that we will find an attentive audience.\u00a0 A swift, bipartisan solution is at hand!<\/p>\n

_______<\/p>\n

WAIT! \u00a0You\u2019re not done yet.\u00a0 Earn good karma!\u00a0 Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

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It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019d like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to an emerging crisis.\u00a0 A crisis that looms even larger and more ominous than our country\u2019s staggering deficit or our precarious interests in the Middle East, one stands firmly at the forefront:\u00a0 the puzzling disappearance of fry sauce.\u00a0 I realize I may have just lost […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[9,8,532,11,10],"class_list":["post-40","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-fast-food","tag-french-fries","tag-humor","tag-mystery","tag-sherlock-holmes"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1386,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40\/revisions\/1386"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}