{"id":392,"date":"2014-06-26T06:49:04","date_gmt":"2014-06-26T13:49:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=392"},"modified":"2018-05-07T13:40:47","modified_gmt":"2018-05-07T20:40:47","slug":"attack-reverse-home-mortgage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=392","title":{"rendered":"Attack of the Reverse Home Mortgage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Final<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s time for another edition of the always popular, News from the Neighborhood<\/em>. This is where we wander out into the wild and untamed lands of upper-middleclass Suburbia to explore strange and exotic cultures and experience foreign \u201cpoints of view,\u201d such as the Fishman family, featured in our last edition that begins stringing Christmas lights on their multi-level ranch home in mid-July.<\/p>\n

In this edition, we meet Bill and Jolene who live just down the street from me in the forest green Victorian. The couple is currently recovering from the shock that their retirement \u201cnest egg\u201d just developed a crack. They learned last week that Bill\u2019s elderly parents had decided to take advantage of a Reverse Home Mortgage. The couple knew that Bill\u2019s parents respected actor and Senator Fred Thompson. In fact, they have several of his movies recorded on VHS. As everyone knows, Fred Thompson has been touting the Reverse Home Mortgage program on television every five seconds, encouraging elderly Americans to use their home equity to enjoy their golden years.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt hit us like a ton of bricks,\u201d said Jolene. \u201cWe stopped by for Sunday dinner, and there they were. Brochures. Cruise lines, motorhomes, European tours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw one for a timeshare in Puerto Vallarta,\u201d added Bill in an exasperated tone. \u201cNeither one of them can handle spicy Mexican food. They\u2019ve lost their minds.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe sad thing is,\u201d Jolene explained, \u201cthey were so content. They owned their home free and clear, and they always managed to make ends meet with Social Security.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat Craftsman home of theirs sits smack dab in the University District. It\u2019s worth a mint. I can\u2019t believe they fell victim to that shyster Thompson with his slick commercials and confident reassurance that they would never lose their home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s devastating,\u201d said Jolene. \u201cTheir Craftsman was the cornerstone of our retirement plan. Both of them have cardiac failure in their family histories. There\u2019s almost no chance either will linger with a chronic illness that will eat away at their savings.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll drop like rocks,\u201d Bill agreed flatly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSurely you have a Plan B,\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Bill began glancing over at his wife. \u201cWe do, but it\u2019s a distance second choice to the Bonanza of living off the sale of that Craftsman.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPrison,\u201d said Jolene.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cPrison. I don\u2019t know if you noticed, but the government has been spending a bundle on new prisons. And they come with full medical and dental.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know it sounds crazy,\u201d added Bill, \u201cbut we\u2019ve been looking around. We\u2019d have to live apart, but several states allow conjugal visits. We\u2019re looking into that. Of course, we\u2019d like minimum security.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a nice view,\u201d said Jolene.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re thinking bank robbery. That\u2019d be a win-win. If we get away free and clear, we enjoy the loot. If we get caught, welcome Plan B,\u201d Bill explained.<\/p>\n

The couple paused and sat silently, reflecting on their sudden change in circumstance.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat damned that Fred Thompson,\u201d Bill shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn him to hell,\u201d added Jolene.<\/p>\n

And with that, I slinked away to check on how the Fishmans were coming along with the lights.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards It\u2019s time for another edition of the always popular, News from the Neighborhood. This is where we wander out into the wild and untamed lands of upper-middleclass Suburbia to explore strange and exotic cultures and experience foreign \u201cpoints of view,\u201d such as the Fishman family, featured in our last edition that begins […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[297,18,532,33,19,295,296],"class_list":["post-392","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-fred-thompson","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-retirement","tag-reverse-home-mortgage"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/392","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=392"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/392\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":396,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/392\/revisions\/396"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=392"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=392"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=392"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}