{"id":362,"date":"2014-06-05T07:15:00","date_gmt":"2014-06-05T14:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=362"},"modified":"2018-05-07T13:44:59","modified_gmt":"2018-05-07T20:44:59","slug":"dream-cruise-experience","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=362","title":{"rendered":"My Dream Cruise"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Cruise<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

Willpower and \u201cgrit\u201d are the keys to success. Sadly, I am in embarrassingly short supply of either. But it\u2019s not entirely my fault. My wife goes nuts when she catches me bringing any grit into the house. As for willpower, let\u2019s just say that today was to be the first day of my new diet; however, theory didn\u2019t meet reality, and I am currently in the process of polishing off my second bowl of M&Ms. (In my defense, guilt prevented me from filling the first bowl properly, which resulted in it emptying far too quickly, and thus the second \u201cproperly\u201d filled bowl, which, may I add, is going down quite smoothly.)<\/p>\n

My previous diet was a variation of the Atkins Diet, which I dubbed the \u201cFat-kins\u201d Diet. The effectiveness of any diet is judged by whether it delivers clear and consistent results. And, boy, did it ever. I\u2019ve never put on so much weight, in a clear and consistently manner.<\/p>\n

All of this leads me to my current concern: Cruises. More precisely, that my wife wants us to take a cruise. We\u2019ve taken three previous cruises, which I have enjoyed, but as many of you know, taking a cruise is a lot like being locked in a Golden Corral Buffet for a week. It\u2019s\u00a0an \u201call you can eat\u201d breakfast, followed by an \u201call you can eat\u201d lunch, anchored with an \u201call you can eat\u201d million course dinner. And, of course, conveniently located snack bars to tide the gorged passengers over in between these healthful meals. Best of all, it\u2019s ALL INCLUDED! That\u2019s right, it\u2019s FREE, if you ignore the fact that you actually paid for it. I once rolled my bloated body back to my cabin late one evening to lay down, and just as I was dozing off, my wife and kids marched into our \u201cstateroom\u201d to ask if I wanted to accompany them to the ship\u2019s ice sculpture inspired midnight buffet. Yes, to confirm to the uninitiated, the feed trough is open 24\/7. I estimate that the average cruise ship is riding 4-6 feet lower in the water when it docks at the end of the week.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided to make an offer to the cruise industry. In exchange for being the first cruise line to make the following modifications, I will immediately book a cruise with your company.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. As those of you who have ever taken a cruise know, when you first step onboard, the ship\u2019s purser announces your name. Ironically, no one is really listening to this announcement except a handful of uniformed cruise line employees ordered to stand there and look thrilled that \u201cThe Smith Family of Omaha, Nebraska\u201d as finally arrived. Well, here is my modification. Instead of announcing names, passengers step onto a nautical looking scale, and the purser announces their weight. This number is then entered into the ship\u2019s operational database for the purposes below.<\/li>\n
  2. Cruise lines already assign everyone a key card, but now, the key card will keep track to two things, first, the number of calories you burn during the day, and second, the number of calories you burn off using the many treadmills which will be stationed throughout the ship. Watching the kids play in the pool? Do it on the treadmill. Enjoying the Broadway style show? Do it on a treadmill. Your card cuts you off at the combined number of calories burned. You keep swiping your card in front of the cheesecake display, but the light continually shines red? Head for the nearest treadmill!<\/li>\n
  3. All treadmills will be connected to the engine room to help power the ship. ATTENTION CRUISE LINES: I\u2019m talking sustainable \u201cgreen\u201d energy. That means that Obama will happy \u201cinvest\u201d hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for the ships you have registered in Panama to be modified with this technology using \u201cstimulus\u201d money. (It\u2019s called \u201cstimulus\u201d money because it stimulates votes). It\u2019s a win-win.\u00a0\u00a0 In fact, I have no doubt that the first family would join me on the first cruise.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Of course, as a practical matter, if any cruise line does implement this idea, it means one thing: I will need to carefully prepare for the cruise by using grit and \u201cwill power.\u201d I intend to stuff myself like a sumo wrestler immediately prior to boarding to give myself a little flexibility<\/em>. I\u2019ll be the first person in history to disembark weighing less than when I boarded.<\/p>\n

    \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    By Jack Edwards Willpower and \u201cgrit\u201d are the keys to success. Sadly, I am in embarrassingly short supply of either. But it\u2019s not entirely my fault. My wife goes nuts when she catches me bringing any grit into the house. As for willpower, let\u2019s just say that today was to be the first day of […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[281,279,280,18,532,33,19,101],"class_list":["post-362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-atkins-diet","tag-cruise","tag-crusing","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-obama"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=362"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1265,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/362\/revisions\/1265"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}