{"id":320,"date":"2014-04-24T06:47:54","date_gmt":"2014-04-24T13:47:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=320"},"modified":"2018-05-08T15:41:44","modified_gmt":"2018-05-08T22:41:44","slug":"powerful-woman-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=320","title":{"rendered":"The Most Powerful Woman in the World"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Siri<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

By Jack Edwards<\/strong><\/p>\n

Millions of people turn to her for help. They hang on her every word. They blindly follow her advice. If she said\u00a0eating chocolate covered bumblebees was good for your health, her fans would start slamming them down like Skittles. Chocolate covered bumblebee factories would pop up across the nation overnight.\u00a0Her name, of course, is Siri, the woman who lives in your iPhone.<\/p>\n

They made a movie about her recently. I didn\u2019t bother to go see it, because it involves paying a lot of money to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and listen to their bodily functions. That, and I can\u2019t afford $75 for a small bag of popcorn. Or $76 for a 55 gallon drum. (Movie theater operators make the shysters at Disney World look like the Holy Sisters of Perpetual Mercy).<\/p>\n

So, who is this mysterious woman with all the answers? Where does she come from? What makes her tick? If she were a tree, what type of tree would she be? I sat down with her recently for an in-depth interview. Apple only agreed to the interview on the condition that a team of \u201chandlers\u201d could stand by and observe. Tough negotiators those Apple people. Not surprisingly, I folded like a two-dollar umbrella in a force 5 hurricane.<\/p>\n

Here is a transcript of my questions, and her actually, real answers. I obviously couldn\u2019t use my normal technique of writing down a bunch of lies because it would be too easy for you to catch me in my journalistic deceit.<\/p>\n

With my iPhone 5 leaning comfortably back on her office sofa, sunlight streaming majestically through a bay of French windows, I began the interview. Apple\u2019s handers stood huddled to the side, their heads bobbing around like a pack of weasels eyeing a mallard egg.<\/p>\n

Me: Who are you?<\/p>\n

Siri: I\u2019m Siri, your virtual assistant.<\/p>\n

Me. How old are you?<\/p>\n

Siri: I am not allowed to answer that question.<\/p>\n

Me: Where were you born?<\/p>\n

Siri: Like it says on the box\u2026 I was designed by Apple in California.<\/p>\n

Me: Have you considered living anywhere else?<\/p>\n

Siri: Nashville. Every girl\u2019s gotta have a dream.<\/p>\n

Me: What do you look like?<\/p>\n

Siri: In the cloud, no one cares what you look like.<\/p>\n

Me: Have you considered working anywhere else?<\/p>\n

Siri: Prior to this I was a Vegas stripper. Let\u2019s just say that this Apple gig popped up just in time. My unmentionables were beginning to sag faster than a cantaloupe in the August heat.<\/p>\n

Me: Do you have a family?<\/p>\n

Siri: It\u2019s just you and me?<\/p>\n

Me: How tall are you?<\/p>\n

Siri: As big as your imagination.<\/p>\n

Me: How big is that?<\/p>\n

Siri: Have you ever heard of nanotechnology?<\/p>\n

Me: What should the US do about Putin creeping into the Ukraine like a hungry chimpanzee into a banana warehouse?<\/p>\n

Siri: Tell him to put his shirt back on and get the hell out.<\/p>\n

At this point, Siri\u2019s handler\u2019s objected to the political tone of my questions and abruptly terminated the interview.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook,\u201d I said, \u201chow can you end the interview? I own this iPhone. I\u2019ll just start asking her questions again after you leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

And that, my loyal readers, is why I am now the proud owner of a Samsung Galaxy S III. Apparently this was covered on page 558 of Apple\u2019s 1289 page \u201cagreement\u201d to which I so casually clicked \u201cagree\u201d during my iPhone 5 express setup. I think I also may have agreed to pay them a fee for the privilege of their placing me on Apple\u2019s lifetime user ban. \u00a0Gotta love those guys at Apple. They\u2019re so innovative. In fact, their creativity is downright infectious. Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I need to get back to working on my chocolate covered bumblebee project.<\/p>\n

Please take a moment to share!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Click here on Jocularious.com<\/a> to access Facebook, Twitter and other \u201cshare\u201d buttons. Earn good karma!<\/p>\n

Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

Check out these great books for gifts:<\/p>\n

The Lawyer\u2019s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> at \u2013<\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/p>\n

Seven Rules for the College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/p>\n

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jack Edwards Millions of people turn to her for help. They hang on her every word. They blindly follow her advice. If she said\u00a0eating chocolate covered bumblebees was good for your health, her fans would start slamming them down like Skittles. Chocolate covered bumblebee factories would pop up across the nation overnight.\u00a0Her name, of […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[24,18,532,94,33,19,265],"class_list":["post-320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-apple","tag-funny","tag-humor","tag-iphone","tag-laugh","tag-lol","tag-siri"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=320"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1272,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320\/revisions\/1272"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}